


Secrets of the Past

by MerielTLA



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M, Malec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-05 07:23:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3111086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerielTLA/pseuds/MerielTLA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What are you supposed to do when you wake up to find out that you've lost 5 years of your life and you can't even recognize the person you've become? How to move forward if your past has you in chains? How to love that stranger you don't remember meeting?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love Malec and Alternative Universes...I hope you like this!

There are people that believe in a sixth sense.

Some said it was about knowing people so well, it was like they could look into their very souls.

A number of them believed that it was something more physical, feeling people around them even if they weren't exactly living.

Other´s said that it was more about a feeling in the gut, a sense of dread before something awful happened.

That was happening to me right now.

It was like everything collided in my chest, making it heavy and pulling the air out of my lungs. I felt a familiar knot in my throat, the one that had accompanied me for countless years; that urge to cry that I had managed to avoid for most of my life. It felt stronger, like I needed to sob more than anything, like something horrible had happened.

I was lying on a comfortable bed. My eyes closed as my breathing picked up, I was scared of what was awaiting for me, I wouldn't wake up this anxious if I was in a safe place. After all, this wasn't the first time I woke up like this, it was a reflex to gather my surroundings before I even opened my eyes…too many horrible things had awaken me before.

I took note of what my body felt like –like shit, but that wasn't really out of the ordinary-, I felt something grasping my right wrist, probably a plaster…I also noted the soft texture of the sheets, definitely not mine.

Okay, maybe it was time to open my eyes.

I blinked a couple of times trying to get rid of the moist before I was able to see clearly. I looked around seeing while walls, a turned on night lap at my side, a decent size TV and a what it looked like a black haired guy dozing on a couch…

Okay that was unexpected.

I bit my lip trying to think, had I been in some sort of accident? I didn't think so…wait, where were my siblings? It was weird that some estranger was sleeping in my room instead of Jace. Fuck, maybe they didn't know I was in the hospital and the guy was the one who found me? Shit, Izzy would kill me if it was like that, last time she had almost gone crazy worrying about me. I decided to take a deep breath and calm myself; I didn't help if I was all paranoid. I thought my options through deciding that the best thing right now would be to wake the guy and ask him what the hell was going on.

"Hum…h-hey…" I rolled my eyes, yeah that would totally wake him "Ex-excuse me!" I raised my voice seeing him stir. Good, now all I had to do was to…

…

Okay, the stranger was gorgeous…that complicated things a little. He was sitting on the couch looking at me, from this position I could only see his defined profile, nice cheekbones, probably Asian judging from his slanted eyes. He had silk black hair, a little longer than mine and it fucking looked amazing.

"H-hi" I managed to say once he locked his shaded eyes with mine. He raised an eyebrow, like he expected something else from me…maybe he had saved me from a terrible doom? It wouldn't be the first time someone found me completely beat up "Ahmm…you…d-did you found me?" I winced hating my apparent lack of courage when it came to good looking strangers.

"No, they called me…I must say, it was a shock after all this time Alexander, one would´ve thought that being that you ran away like that, you wouldn't leave me on your emergency call" I frowned taken back by his sudden harshness.

And did he just call me by my name?

"Alec" I whispered unable to hold myself. Sure ask him to call you by your nickname instead of asking him how the hell he knew your name on the first place.

"What?" he blinked.

"I don't like to be called by my full name" I said looking away not really liking how his gaze was making me feel "H-how do you know it?" he frowned looking pretty confused "My name, how do you know it? I-I don't have a medical record so the hospital couldn't give it to you…how do you know my name?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he gasped standing up and turning on the room´s light in one swift motion…and totally blinding me in the process.

"Thanks for the heads up" I mumbled passing my hands through my eyes before glancing at the guy. With the lights on, now I could see his hollowed face, the dark circles under his eyes and his amazing yellow-green eyes…

I grinned rolling my eyes watching those cat-like eyes shine in silent laughter…

"Who are you?" I found myself asking completely freaked out about that little image my brain had conjured; really it was way too soon for fantasies.

"You don't know" it was a sentence so I decided to wait until he said something else "Alexander what is the last thing you remember?"

"Honestly…I don't know, it´s all tangled up" I passed a hand through my face.

"I´ll call the doctor" he said before running out of the room. I looked around hoping to find my phone somewhere but there was nothing, no clothes, no siblings, no memory…apparently I depended only in that stranger. Just when I was about to start having a little panic attack on that little thought, the door opened again revealing a young doctor and the stranger right behind him.

"Good night Mr. Lightwood, I´m Dr. Coulson" he smiled politely "How do you feel?"

"Like shit" I raised my shoulders feeling a sting on my middle…perfect I might even had been stabbed.

"Well you came here in pretty bad shape, you´ve been asleep for two days now" I gaped at that.

"No way! Shit…I have to call my siblings; do you have a phone I could use?" I sat so quickly that I started to feel dizzy seeing dark spots all over the place.

"Easy, easy" spoke the doctor as I felt his gentle hands pushing me back down "Your siblings already know that you´re here, they will come in the morning to see you" I pressed my lips together feeling my brain working.

"But why did they leave me alone?" I asked frowning before sneaking a glance to the stranger. He was now standing in front of the window; he looked pensive and kind of troubled.

"Magnus told me about that" Mused the doctor.

"Magnus?" I blinked hating how lost I felt.

"Magnus Bane" said the stranger turning to look at me "Does that name mean anything to you?" I shook my head seeing the doctor grimace.

"Alec, can you tell me what date it is?"

"November 13, 2007" I answered sensing my heart beating wildly. I looked at the two men inside the room as they exchanged a glance, well that couldn't mean good things.

"It´s August 16, 2012" I felt the doctor´s words like a kick in the gut, what the hell had happened?

"Five years" I whispered suddenly overwhelmed by a simple date. How could I have lost five years of my life? What had happened?

"Well, at least that explains why you can´t remember me" I heard the stranger say "How…convenient" he sneered in a low voice.

"Who are you?" I managed to inquire trying to overcome my dizziness.

"Magnus Bane…let´s say that we are friends…for now" I pressed my jaw not liking the way he talked, like he was mad at me for some reason.

"Alexander, breathe" instructed the doctor moving to look inside my eyes with a small lap "Have you had any flashbacks or a sense of deja´vú?"

"A flashback" I searched for the stranger´s –Magnus´- eyes thinking about how different they looked now, in my memory –because now I could think about it like that, instead of a crazy fantasy- they looked shiny, happy and open; now they were cold and distant…that made me a little too uneasy.

"That´s a pretty good sign, you don't need to stress yourself over this, the scans showed that your head it´s perfectly fine, maybe your brain it´s only readjusting itself, hopefully you will recover your memory in the next few weeks" grinned Dr. Coulson.

"Hopefully" I sighed "So…how did I ended up in here?" the doctor shook his head.

"Not right now, you need to sleep and in the morning your siblings can update you and tell you all about what happened"

"I´m not really tired" I grimaced before seeing him take out a syringe and going to my left hand to inject some sort of drug.

"You will be in about half an hour"

"Will you leave me here with a stranger?" I spoke not helping myself. I looked down not wanting to see those cold eyes again, they were highly disconcerting.

"Hardly" snorted Magnus. I frowned looking at him as he and the doctor shared another look.

"I believe you should tell him Magnus" Magnus rolled his eyes at the Doctor´s words.

"We haven't been that for a long time" he huffed completely ignoring me.

"Hey asshole…at least don't do it like I´m not in the room" I glared at the guy deciding that he was a jerk and I didn't like him very much.

"Oh I´m sorry, did I hurt your feelings?" he spat glaring back at me.

"If you´re so unhappy about taking care of the sick guy, why are you here? Why isn´t Jace or Izzy in your place? Or better, just leave! I can take care of myself" what was with this guy?

"I´m not leaving you" I raised my hands exasperated.

"Can you make up your mind? Besides why the fuck does the hospital let you stay? Isn´t there some rule about being family for that?" I looked at the doctor, whom was wearing an amused expression "What´s so funny doctor?"

"Magnus…tell him" said this; the guy turned around and left the room leaving me with a bipolar sexy stranger.

Perfect.

"Who the fuck are you?" he shook his head starting to pace around the room "Magnus!" he halted.

"Why now?" he whispered "After all this time, why fucking now? Why couldn't you just leave and let me…?" he let out a breath "How do you expect me to react, huh? Part of me believes you but other part just can´t get over the fact that this is too convenient! Too unreal!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked pressing my hands to my face having that gut clenching feeling again, this was something important but I couldn't remember what was it about.

"You! Why call me?" his voice wavered and that was when I decided to look at him again. This time his eyes were deep, worried, angry, disbelieving and most of all hurt. He fisted his hands and for the first time in a long time, I didn't flinch, for some reason I knew that he wouldn't hurt me, that I was safe with him.

Why? Fucking why?

"Please…who are you?" I didn't pay much attention at how desperate I sounded. There was something about him, something that pulled me, a strange need to raise my hands and hold him…but there was also that fucking feeling in the pit of my stomach, like it was a mistake to be in the same room as him…what was going on?

"I´m your husband"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because even if I don't remember anything, I know myself and that´s why I don't fully believe a shit you tell me…that´s just not who I am"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudos! I hope you like this chapter too!

CHAPTER 2

Alec PoV

"I'm serious" I said rolling my eyes "If you really knew me at all, you would know that I'm never going to marry"

"Funny" he let out a dry chuckle "Because you proposed"

"Bullshit" I narrowed my eyes. I knew what I thought about marrying someone, it was not for me, he had to be lying.

"Why don't you believe me?" he looked confused.

"I can't be married" I felt my stomach drop fearing what he could do if he found out.

"Don't worry, I'm planning to fix that as soon as possible" he spoke dryly while something flashed inside his eyes. I narrowed mine not having anything else to say… like I was about to believe a stranger...I could not be married, and much less to someone as annoying as him. I turned giving him my back and closing my eyes.

Maybe I could sleep now and wake up finding out that it all had been a confusing nightmare...yeah that sounded really good.

"Jace stop playing with that!" I mentally grimaced hearing Izzy yell at Jace…every fucking morning was the same. Determined to get more sleep and forget about the weird dream I had had, I pulled the sheets over my head not paying much mind to the sting in my middle "Alec?" I stopped moving sensing something off with my sister's voice "Are you awake?" I blinked my eyes open instantly feeling something cold inside my chest as I saw what I had over my head.

White, soft hospital sheets

"Come on bro, time to face judgment" said Jace.

"Way to sound dramatic Jace" I took away the sheets before I turned to look at my siblings...only to be intercepted by a bone crushing hug from whom I thought to be my sister "Hey" I whispered hugging her back marveling in the fact that I had kept them alive for another five years.

"You are a complete idiot! I totally hate you! Where were you?" I heard her muffled voice while I bit my lip.

"He doesn't remember" I swallowed hearing Magnus' silky tone.

"Glad to see you finally showered" snorted Jace just when Izzy decided to let me free; I moved my eyes to the door losing my breath in a second. Magnus looked fresh, clean shaved and...colorful. His hair was spiked high, his eyes were purple, his shirt silver, his pants neon blue and his feet covered by stylish black boots...I could not be married to him!

"Hey Magnus" said Isabelle going to give him a hug oblivious to my gaping expression.

"What do you mean he doesn't remember?" inquired Jace giving me a side look.

"What you heard" I spoke hating the familiarity my siblings had with the stranger. Izzy probably liked him for his fashion sense –if that was called fashion and not a walking gay rainbow-, but Jace… he had mayor trust issues, it was so weird to see him relaxed in front of someone other than me or my sister.

"But you remember us" frowned Izzy.

"I don't remember the last five years" I explained.

"That means that you don´t…" she blinked before turning to Magnus, he shook his head not losing his mad expression "But…will you recover it?"

"The doctor says that it´s most likely that I do" I shrugged.

"And here was I, thinking that we would be having an awkward reunion…" mused Jace rolling his eyes. I turned to look at him seeing that the iciness of his voice was not my imagination…what the fuck had I done to them?

"Jace, now it´s not the time" chastised my sister.

"The fuck it isn´t" he snapped glaring at the wall "I´m not about to let him off the hook just because he doesn't remember why I´m pissed at him!" he turned around giving me a first sight of his tense back.

"Care to stop talking like I´m not in the room" I groaned at him "What the fuck did I do to you?"

"It doesn't matter now" sighed Magnus eyeing both of us "The doctor said that he doesn't need more stress, he´s too weak, and the wound it´s too fresh to make things even worse"

"Oh and now you care if I´m riled up?" I raised an eyebrow "Care to tell me who this guy is?" I looked at my siblings having the small hope that he wouldn't be who he said he was.

"I´ll do it!" beamed Isabelle "Dear brother, let me introduce you to your dear and sexy husband Magnus Bane"

Magnus PoV

I watched how his expression turned into a disbelieving one in a second. His beautiful eyes widened almost comically before they closed in what I could only describe as a pained expression.

"What is it?" inquired Jace. I grimaced hating how they could read each other even if the blond was currently giving his back at him.

"How the fuck did I ended up married…to him?" I tried hard not to wince at the incredulous look he was giving me; it was hard to endure this after passing the worst year of my life thanks to that same guy.

"Hey, don't speak like that" blinked Izzy looking quite lost "Why are you so…like that?" she gestured at him, it was weird to see the relaxed affable guy I had fell in love inside that snarky hateful gaze.

"I was asking for explanations first" he raised his fingers "Now…what did I do to you guys?" everybody kept quiet not looking at him. I was fairly interested in my nails musing the whole pros and cons of telling him.

The hell, if he felt bad he pretty much deserved it.

"You left" I spoke slowly fixing my eyes on his "One day we woke up to find a little note telling us that you had to leave, that we shouldn't look for you and that´s it" I shrugged like I wasn't feeling my heart clench at the memories. It all had been so good, maybe too good…I still hadn´t figured out why he had done that.

And now that he was back, he didn't fucking remember a thing…just peachy.

"…okay" he nodded looking thoughtful "I guess I understand now" he grimaced moving his gaze towards his siblings "I´m sorry…I-I…"

"It´s okay, it´s not like you know why you decided to leave" smiled Isabelle completely missing the flash of something inside those baby blues.

How could he know why if he didn't remember a thing?

"Yeah well…" he looked down letting out a breath of air "Mind telling me what has happened in the last five years?"

I felt a stab in my chest seeing him talking to Izzy and Jace, like I was not inside the room, like he couldn't care less if I stayed of left. I knew that it was hard for him to care about me if he hadn´t technically met me, but even when we had first met each other, he had been openly curious, asking shy questions, having nice bonding time over coffee…it had always been easy. He used to have a calm aura around him, like he was happy just to be breathing, but now he looked anxious; the way his gaze kept going at the window or the door made me realized that he was looking for something dangerous, something that would just appear out of nowhere and hurt his loved ones…that was not normal.

Isabelle and Jace looked quite at ease with him, like they didn't notice this behavior or, maybe, like this was normal for him, perhaps he had been like that five years ago. If that was the case, what had happened to Alexander to make him be the man I had fallen for?

I rolled my eyes before moving to rest against the wall. Even if he was all but ignoring me, I could leave. My heart screamed for him so much that, honestly, I couldn't be mad at him, not when he was in this state. He was paler, thinner, beaten…my blood boiled just to think that someone could´ve done that to him. For all I knew he had stumbled inside the hospital, barely alive and asking for me…for fucking me! How was I supposed to react to that? I was confused and I hated being confused truly fucking much.

"Robert found us!" I blinked hearing him. He had never called his father by his name; he had always called him father in a very not-so-caring way, but not like that. Not spitting his name like he couldn't wait to get it out of his mouth in fear of poisoning.

"Yeah" this time his siblings did notice and were –finally- giving him the weird eye "Well not exactly him but his lawyer…he was sick and he wanted us to inherit his empire before he died" explained Isabelle.

"And I went for it? When was this?"

"Almost four years ago…and at first we were all skeptical, but one day you went to our mother´s grave and when you came back you said that she would´ve wanted us to study and have a decent life, so you accepted it" he pressed his mouth in a thoughtful way narrowing his eyes. The expression on his face was the same one he had wore every other day some years ago, when he used to do homework and a fairly hard exercise crossed his path, it was like his facts didn't match the reality, like something was missing.

"That means that…you´re in college" his eyes shined for the first time since he woke up. Like the prospect of seeing his siblings study a real career was the most amazing thing in the world.

Now that was something I was familiar with.

"Yes!" beamed Izzy moving to sit on the bed next to him "I´m studying to become a clothes designer…I´m almost done actually!"

"That´s amazing!" he smiled "And you?" he turned to Jace.

"Philosophy and English language…but I´m also thinking about doing something in PE" he shrugged "One can only do much to be the first sexy philosopher" Alec chuckled before wincing a little.

"You okay?" asked Izzy putting a soft hand above his abdominal bandages.

"I´m good" again, his eyes showed nothing…a clear sign that he was hiding something "It´s pretty awesome that after all, you guys can finally make it" I frowned not liking his tone at all.

"What makes you think they are the only ones?" I spoke for the first time watching how his eyes traveled to me without any hint of surprised. Well at least he hadn´t forgotten about me.

"You´re right" his voice was almost robotic, like he was just saying that because it was expected of him…I needed to know what was going on with him fucking now, I didn't like this one bit "What did I do with my life besides marring a walking rainbow?"

I totally didn't want to smile at the well known endearment. He didn't know that he used to call me that in the privacy of our bedroom, right now he was probably using it as an insult…but apparently my needy heart didn't care about all that.

"You majored in economics and arts" I answered. He frowned.

Really? Every time I said something he gave me the bullshit look…was it all that hard to believe?

"…art?"

"Yes" now it was my turn to frown, he had always told me that that was his first choice, that he only took economics to take care of the family business.

"That´s a complete waste of time" he shook his head "I could not have studied that, I mean economics I can see the use in it, but arts? I´m not even good at arts"

"You have always loved art" said Jace "You even have a freaking drawing-diary or something like that"

"How do you know about it?" he now sported the perfect deer in headlights look…just what kind of shit could he have in that diary?

"You told us, you even showed us some drawings…Alec, really, are all these things that hard to accept? It´s like we´re talking to another person" Jace narrowed his eyes "Was it really that bad five years ago? I know I was just sixteen, but come on…they couldn't be that hard" I knew that Jace used to be a complete jackass to Alec, not caring about what his brother told him to do to keep him grounded or how difficult things were; it was just after we met each other that Alec and Jace had begun to fix their friendship into a strong bond.

"You never cared how hard things were before" he simply said and before any of us could say anything else the doctor walked inside.

"Good morning" he declared oblivious to the tension in the room "How is my favorite patient feeling?"

"Sore, but that´s not new" he shrugged and just then I began to think that for someone that had been severely beaten and stabbed he didn't seem to mind much…and now that I thought about it, Alec had always been pain resistant, he normally ended up in bed before he showed any signs of distress.

"Sore, where? How much does it hurt, sting or burn?" I almost barked knowing that if I didn't say a thing the doctor wouldn't check him how he needed to because Alec would be fixed in his I´m fines.

"My middle obviously" Alec rolled his eyes after sending me a sharp look "And…doc, can I speak to you…alone?" oh my eyebrow just reached my hairline. Like I was going to leave him out of my sight.

"I´m not going anywhere" I glared at his cerulean eyes; he glared back looking like he was having some internal battle before he closed his eyes and let out a big sight.

"Fine! But you two! Out!" he howled at his gaping siblings.

"Why?" whined Isabelle.

"Because I don't need you to hear this…please, get out" Jace sent him a defiant stare before stomping out clearly too pissed to speak, Isabelle shook her head before following her brother and closing the door behind her.

"Okay Alec, what is it?" inquired the doctor.

"My ass hurts" he deadpanned in such Alec-ish way that I couldn't do more than letting out a chuckle, of course he wouldn't want his siblings to know that, I thought to myself…until my brain caught up with everything.

We hadn´t been together in a year…and his fucking ass was sore.

"Well, let me have a look" spoke the doctor while I was having serious trouble trying not to throw a fit right there…of course he had been with other people, what was I expecting? What the hell was I thinking forgetting what he had done to me? I gritted my teeth seeing him put himself in his hands and knees and the doctor checking him "Well it´s a little swollen but nothing out of the ordinary, considering…yeah" he sounded his throat "I´ll give you an ointment for that and in a couple of days you´ll be as good as new" the man grinned at me…of course, for him I was Alec´s husband, nothing odd about giving him a check out "Anything else?"

"I need to be tested" said Alexander in a lower voice "HIV, STD´s…everything, and no, I was not raped" I fisted my hands, somehow this felt a little more of a confirmation. He had an idea where he had been all this time and what I could see, told me that it hadn´t been a good place at all.

"But…" the doctor turned back at me.

"Last night I told you, in the past year we hadn´t seen each other"

"Oh…" murmured the doctor finally getting the drama in the room "Oh well…let me take a sample" he walked to his right getting out two tubes and a syringe before starting to gather his blood "I also need some pee samples, when you feel like it, fill this cup" he explained before putting a cup in his nightstand. He finished gathering the tubes and moved to exit the room "Want me to let your siblings in?"

"In a minute" The doctor nodded closing the door behind him leaving us alone. I let my gaze move back to Alec, he had a calm expression, no traces of that adorable blush that I loved to much…it was odd being that a complete stranger had just inspected his backside and had spoken about STD´s.

"You seem awfully calm about this" I said taking a step closer.

"It´s standard procedure…I do this every time I wake up in a hospital" he returned my look with an icy one "Didn't you know that?" I shook my head.

"You are the healthiest person I know, you never went near a hospital" he snorted at my words.

"Yeah, if I could I would never step inside one again, didn't you ever thought that it was weird? Never wanting to be sick even if I was in the verge of collapsing"

"How do you know that?" I asked weakly thinking that in all this time, perhaps I hadn´t known Alec as much as I thought because I had never thought that it was something behind his normal behavior.

"Because even if I don't remember anything, I know myself and that´s why I don't fully believe a shit you tell me…that´s just not who I am"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment I felt like crying, how could I still feel like this when I didn't even know the guy? How could those simple words make me want him so much even when two minutes ago I was all for keeping him away from me for life?

CHAPTER 3

Alec PoV

"Well, this isn´t totally creepy" I mumbled looking at the huge mansion in awe. It was old, dark and it seemed like it came from a bad horror movie. Perfect. Apparently my siblings lived there while they studied and I had lived for a couple of years with them…until I had gotten myself married to a fucking walking rainbow and moved in with him.

I was not about to start analyzing how that made me feel, thank you very much.

"Yeah…Hodge makes it look even creepier but it´s home" smiled Izzy making me turn to see her. She had a small smile on her lips while looking at that place like a cave in a winter storm. I had no idea how she felt about that place given that I had never had a real home, even the thought of it was too weird to analyze.

"Let me get this straight…our dying father contacted us to give us a creepy old mansion, a bunch of money and I took it…just like that" I commented before we made our way to the entrance door.

"Pretty much" answered Jace shrugging "You were the one that told us to give it a chance because we needed it"

I pressed my lips together not having any idea about what could posses me to say things like that. What had happened in my life to change me that much? Or maybe I hadn´t really changed; maybe I just did it for them and got fed up with things and went away.

…yeah, somehow I doubted that.

We got inside and it really looked much of the same, it was a creepy mansion and I didn't like it much, I felt anxious and weird to be there, it didn't scream home or even a small sense of security, none of this crazy new life did that, except of course, the only thing that I hated and that kept bugging me in the back of my mind, a little voice telling me that this was not my place, that I had a true home somewhere else and that I needed to be with Magnus.

As. If.

I mean, I didn't like the guy and he didn't like me, just wanted the old me back. He just wanted his husband and I was not that person, I didn't even know who he was. I felt weird being around him, it was like I was hyperaware of him, like there was some force field around him pulling me in and pushing me away at the same time. It was unsettling and I was not in the mood for that. That was the reason why I told him I was staying with my siblings –not like there was really much choice given that I would push my eyes out before staying with him or giving into those estrange urges- in the mansion.

"Good to see you back Alec" I jumped at a voice at my right, there was an old man looking at me with a polite smile "My name is Hodge Starkweather, I´m the butler of the Manor"

Wow, now I felt like batman.

"H-hi" I waved feeling lame…and judging by the snickers behind me I was being totally lame.

"Do you want me to take you to your room?" I blinked; the doctors said that it was more likely for me to remember things surrounded by my own stuff. I nodded and the man began walking though a huge staircase and I followed him.

"We´ll stay here" said Jace getting my attention. I turned back at them seeing him holding a grimacing Isabelle "We know you must need to be alone to process this" I nodded silently thanking him before moving to follow the butler. It was kind of weird to see him acting caring and mature.

We walked in silence and I felt every step harder to take. I was ready to admit being quite nervous about what was I going to find, I didn't think I was ready to meet that other guy quite yet, but if I was good at something, it was to pretend that I was okay, that I was not totally scared on the inside, so I kept walking faking interest in the art around the hallways trying hard to swallow the oppressive feeling in my chest. I fisted my hand feeling my ring finger kind of weird, like it was missing something…something small and made of white gold...

I stopped dry when my brain caught up with my thoughts. It was like a ghost sensation; I could close my eyes and feel it around my fingers, like it belonged in there, like it had been part of my hand from the beginning. I swallowed sensing my fast breaths get in sync with my trembling body.

I remembered my wedding ring.

I knew that it had been there for a long time, I knew that I loved having it on because my heart took a couple of painful beatings when I thought about getting it back. Maybe my mind didn't remember much but my body did, and now it was showing me with a huge slap how real my marriage had been. I passed a hand through my face willing myself to get a grip. I couldn't break down, not now.

"Is everything all right Sir?" Hodge´s voice snapped me back to reality, he was standing near an open door a couple of feet from me; I nodded and made my way to stand in front of the room "This is your room Alec, Magnus brought your stuff here some months ago so everything´s here" said this he turned around and walked away. I frowned not liking how my gut had clenched after hearing him say that. I shook my head and walked inside.

It was messy.

As in, really freaking messy.

"The hell…" I said looking around at the clothes around the floor and shelves, the crazy amount of books covering most of all the available spaces of the room or the neon pink box in the desk…yeah, there should be a mistake.

One thing I knew about myself was that I didn't do messy…well maybe in my appearance, I didn't care much how I looked so I tended to look disheveled, but my room had always been organized and tidy. Maybe not as much as Jace´s, I didn't have OCD or anything like that, but this just seemed…lived in.

I felt my throat contract seeing the books on the floor, they were college books.

History of Art

Basic Economics

Renaissance: A new era

Administrative Laws

There were dozens of them. I made my way inside after closing the door and knelt to grab one of the economy books; it had bookmarks all over it, notes and little drawings on the pages. I had to chuckle seeing one of a chubby man giving, and I quote, ´The most boring class ever´. At least I still had a sense of humor and from what I could see, my drawings had really improved. My eyes moved to the art ones and my heart gave a leap. Drawing and painting had been a part of me ever since I could remember; that urge I had denied for the sake of practicality, because art wouldn't keep my siblings and me fed.

My hand shook while I moved to take a book from the bottom. It was heavy and even if it looked more used than the others it also looked more taken care of; I opened it and saw an inscription in neat scripture on the inside.

To Alexander

Merry Christmas coffee boy!

With Love

Magnus

I clenched my jaw when my body shivered loving the warm sensation that those words brought to me. For a moment I felt like crying, how could I still feel like this when I didn't even know the guy? How could those simple words make me want him so much even when two minutes ago I was all for keeping him away from me for life? "I guess it was meant to be, huh? You messing with my head until I get our memories back" I told the book caressing it´s pages. I huffed looking around, they had told me that I had kept my drawing diary, the big question was where. I sniffed standing up deciding that the best way to look for it was to put some kind of order into that mess and then think about possible hiding places.

"No better time than now" I said passing my hand through my hair.

After almost four hours of moving around the room picking up stuff, deciding what was junk and what wasn't, finding out that even if the quality of my clothes had improved my tastes were much of the same –finally something good out of that mess- and seeing a lot of disturbing and colorful stuff, I was done. Once I had enough room to look at my bed, desk and bookshelf I began to look around thinking about where I could have hidden the notebook. The bookshelf was incredibly obvious, also were the desk or the closet…that only left one place.

The mattress

I moved to lift every corner of it until I saw…them. There were four notebooks safely tucked between the mattress and the bed just waiting for my itching fingers to get a hold of them. I pushed the mattress away and sat on the wood with my legs folded looking at them instantly finding the one I had been working on, I picked it up and opened it at the first page.

Yup, this was the first one.

I could see my mother´s face looking away in that first page, just her blue eyes high lightened reminding me about the only thing we had in common. She had been a strong woman, never giving up and even if she was kind of cold on the surface, she had been a caring mother that had given everything for us. She had picked up a stray kid and given him the family he needed… even if we had barely had what to eat for the three of us. I lifted my finger caressing the outline of her face, for me it had only been three years since she had been gone, and those had been the most hellish years of my existence.

"Alec…come here" spoke my mother tapping me on the shoulder. I turned to look at her feeling my heart ache, she looked tired and sick.

"What is it?" I followed her to her room away from the kids.

"You know I´m sick" she began looking down "You know why I´m sick…you also know that I don't have much time" her hands shook and I moved closer to grasp them with my own.

"…I know" I spoke in a choked voice, we had had a similar conversation not long ago…I felt that I knew what was coming next.

"Please promise me something" I swallowed looking down "Alexander look at me" I took a breath and found her gaze "You know what I had to do before this…I want you to promise me that you won´t ever walk that path, please son just swear to me that when I´m gone you won´t let life do this to you, that no matter how desperate you are you won´t ever lower yourself to my level" I knew that tears were running down my cheeks, I knew that if she was having this talk with me it was because she was sure that she didn't have enough time.

She was leaving us.

"I won´t, I promise"

"Empty promises can be broken any day mom" I whispered after a dry chuckle. Shaking my head I turned the pages seeing more familiar drawings appear before my eyes. Some of them showed my siblings -a smiley Izzy eating an ice-cream cone, Jace rolling his eyes-, others were about places, the old foster care house or a nice view inside Central Park; and finally, a big number of them showed ghosts, those people that made such an impact in my life that I could not make myself give them a face. I let out a trembling breath trying hard to push memories away, for me those drawings were my latest memories, the ones that were fresh in my mind and they were not pretty "Please show me something…new" I stopped moving because just after the last drawing that I remembered was one that took my breath away. Not only because it was incredibly detailed and worked on, but because it was of the one and only Magnus Bane.

A walking rainbow

I laughed after reading the little note at the end of the drawing, well something that hadn´t changed. I let my eyes travel through his face feeling something stir within me, if that was the next drawing on my diary it meant that I was about to meet him, where and how? I wanted to know, I wanted to find out more about myself and about him. So many questions and no answers.

"Hopefully you will have something more" I sighed changing pages. I saw myself in a Starbucks uniform looking like a complete dork; I saw what it looked like a milkshake of some sort and a billion little drawings featuring Magnus. It was like he had taken over everything in my life. In the next notebooks the ghosts disappeared, being replaced by more Magnus, by mi siblings and other people that I didn't recognize. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed when I saw a drawing of the butler next to a stoic looking man; even in pencil I could see the resemblance.

It was Robert, it was my father.

Even if I hated to admit it, I was curious about him. About the man that had so blatantly abandoned my mother just because she hadn´t been good enough for him. I bit my lip looking at him; we had the same complexion, lean but well built, he looked tall too but speaking from the stern expression in his face, I figured that those were the only things we had in common.

I kept on turning pages seeing more structured ones, better ones…like I had taken anatomy classes or something.

"So this is when I started going to college" I couldn't help but smile. I had actually gone to college; that was one of the most unreal things about this whole fiasco. I had never thought about getting into a university because I had always known that I was supposed to work for my siblings and then my life got completely fucked up and the little hopes I could still have about going into college became dust.

"It´s nice to see how you really feel about going to college" I jumped a mile when I heard that familiar voice talking from the door. I turned around only to see Magnus standing at the door.

"For fucks sake! Don't do that!" I yelled putting my hand on my chest and glaring at him "And what are you doing in there anyways? Don't you even knock?" and he just smiled. Bastard. "What do you want?"

"I told you I´m not letting you out of my sight. I just had to get some things settled before I could harass you with my presence" he grinned closing the door and looking around "I see that your OCD tendencies were in before I was"

"I couldn't find anything in that mess" I shrugged trying hard not to blush under his stare. Why did he affect me so much?

"Well you found the notebooks" walked closer and I didn't lose time taking them as far away from him as I could "Don't bother I already saw them" he spoke as his eyes darkened.

"...you found them while I was gone" I narrowed my eyes not liking that he had saw them.

"No, you showed them to me" he sat in front of me "I feel that we started with the wrong foot" his eyes were soft and deep, so different from the calculating gaze that had been all over me back in the hospital.

"I´m so confused" I passed my hands through my face "Things are too different. He is too different" I groaned "I don't even know why is it so easy to talk to you if I don't even know you" at this he let out a full and loud laugh "…what are you laughing at?"

"You told me that exact same thing on our first date" I groaned even harder after hearing him say this "You were kind of scared of me at the beginning…"

"Don't talk to me about that. You are weird. You were an ass to me back in the hospital, why are you being nice now?" I saw how his face lost most of the sympathy in it being replaced by a calculating look. He kept quiet for some very awkward minutes before he decided to speak.

"I want the reason why my husband decided to abandon me…and I think you know what it is" I bit my lip looking down, if he was so confused about my actions it meant that he didn't know about my past, he didn't know about my life.

"You keep things good and you will make it big, my pet…well, after I´m bored with you and let you free that is"

I clenched my eyes trying to push the memories away before turning them into Magnus´ quizzing ones "I don´t…"

"Don't deny it" he growled narrowing his eyes "I´ve known you for a lot of time, I know every single expression in your face and I know that you know something about what happened a year ago"

"How could I know what happened a year ago if my last memory it´s from five years ago?"

"Exactly" in a flash he had my oldest notebook in his hand "You always showed me every little drawing, and every time you did it you had a smile on your face; every time you looked into those notebooks you looked happy but each time you even dared to look at this one you just…didn´t" he sighed "You told me that your life had been hard but that´s it…and then you left and I needed something of you so I came here and looked for these, when I looked inside this one…the things that I found…" he looked at the notebook with trembling eyes "I need to know what happened, somehow I know that it´s linked to what happened to you before we met…please tell me what you know or what you think you know"

"I won´t tell you" I shook my head resisting the urge to throw myself at him and hug him until that sad gleam disappeared from his eyes.

"Why?" he demanded with a strangled voice.

"Because he had his reasons for not telling you, so I won´t say a word until I get my memories back…they you can ask again and see if I´ll…"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he went to throw the notebook away but seemed to think better of it and simply put it on my lap with an exhausted sigh "This is not fair"

"Life rarely is" I whispered looking down. I knew I told him that I had no idea why I hadn´t told him the truth but I felt that I actually did because I was feeling that exact thing right in that moment…

Shame. Bone crushing shame for who I was.

I was ashamed of my past life, I was ashamed of who I had become and what I had to do to keep my siblings alive and well. I had not kept my promise to my mother, I was the same thing she had hated the most and I was a hundred percent sure that that was the main reason why I had abandoned this perfect life.

I was pet

I was a slave

I was a whore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for all the kudos :) a little written feedback would also be nice hehe please comment! 
> 
> P.S. Sorry for some spelling mistakes, english it's not my native language so I'm still learning :P


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Make love to me, please" he whispered against my mouth with a small wrecked voice. He was grasping my clothes like his life depended on it. I wanted to scream at him to tell me what was going on but I couldn't deny his words.

CHAPTER 4

Magnus PoV  
 _  
He was not putting attention to me. His eyes were on the street, his attention elsewhere. It was not weird for Alexander to let his mind wonder like that, but this had been going on for almost a whole week, he always seemed absentminded and somehow…sad._

_I had successfully restrained myself from asking him about it, thinking that he would tell me when he was ready, just like most of the things about his past and his family. But I could no longer deny the small feeling of worry that pushed inside my thoughts. I stopped talking and moved my hand to grasp his own, he didn't jump like I thought he would, he simply intertwined his fingers in mine._

_"I was not ignoring you" he spoke quietly before letting his sapphire eyes travel back to me. I noticed that their color was somehow dimmed, screaming sorrow and regret…of what, I had no idea._

_"It didn't look like that" I decided to be pushy for once "What´s going on Alec?" his response was to lower his eyes, trailing his gaze through our joined hands._

_"You know how much I love you, right?" he raised my hand to kiss my wedding ring, this only managed to get me a lot more worried, he was not one to show public demonstrations of affection like this, he had always drawn a line at hand holding._

_"Of course, and I love you, forever" he let out a small smile guiding my hand to cup his face and held it there with his own._

_"You are that one that saved me you know, I am what I am because of you" he kissed my palm. His words made my insides tingle but I couldn't be completely ecstatic seeing that his eyes hadn´t lost their pained aura "Come on" he stood up and pulled me to my feet._

_"Where are we going?" I asked him pulling him to me and hugging him by his shoulders._

_"Home" he seized walking only to put his hands in my neck and kiss me deeply. I was baffled, what had gotten into him? I was not complaining, not at all, this was something we had argued about for a long time and now he seemed to have made up his mind and given me the reason…but something still didn't feel right. It was too sudden, too easy._

_We walked to our apartment in silence. He kept looking around, like he wanted to engrave everything in his memory, every street, every alley and every corner that surrounded our home. He kept his easy smile, like he was trying to fool me but as we got closer to the apartment I could see his eyes darken, I could see the slight tremble of his lips when he kept the smile for long._

_"I always liked your apartment, even when I first visited it and was intimidated by your cat" he spoke as we reached the entrance "It screams home, it screams peace and love…sometimes at night I wake up and just look around, because it´s our home and it´s perfect" I kept quiet not really knowing what to say to that as I took out my keys and opened the door for him._

_…he just kept staring at it not moving from his spot._

_"Alexander…" I frowned clearly seeing a tremble in his jaw._

_"Just…give me a minute" he huffed pushing his hands to his face "I´m okay just…a little emotional"_

_"And you tell me I´m a girl for painting my nails" I joked moving to stand in front of him and letting my hands rest on his waist. He gave me a watery chuckle before stepping inside leaving me to close the door._

_Standing there I took a breath trying to calm myself, he was fine, everything was fine, there was no need for me to start getting paranoid just because he was having an emotional day. God knew that he needed some of those after everything he had gone through. I went to the living room only to find him at the center of it looking around and just like the streets, like he wanted to have every detail in his mind and never forget about it. I went to grasp his hips and turn him to me trying to make him look at me and tell me what was happening but he gave me no time. As soon as we were face to face he grasped my face and clashed his lips to mine, kissing me in a way that left me breathless._

_"Make love to me, please" he whispered against my mouth with a small wrecked voice. He was grasping my clothes like his life depended on it. I wanted to scream at him to tell me what was going on but I couldn't deny his words, so I nodded busying my hands with undressing him while my mouth worked on kissing his neck and our feet guided us to our room._

_Our clothes were gone faster than that first time. It was like that hunger for the other decided to consume us even further than when we started seeing each other. His hands were everywhere…_

_Touching_

_Grasping_

_Mapping_

_He kept his eyes stubbornly closed, like he had finally noticed that I knew that there was something bad going on, that his eyes were a troubled grey instead of the blue I loved so much. His hands trembled when they reached for the lube and pushed it to my chest…and just then I saw that the lines of his lips were hard and his face pained._

_"Look at me" I commanded. I shook his head and I took his hands and pinned them above his head feeling his legs hug my waist "Alec…" I used my free hand to caress his cheek until he relaxed his jaw and slowly opened his eyes._

_They were filled with unshed tears._

_"P-please" he breathed "Just be inside of me…now please" he begged like it wasn't something I would gladly do any second of the day. His huge eyes were shinning and pleading looking only at me and I couldn't hold myself any longer. I opened the lube and prepaired him as fast as I could before I put my tip on his entrance getting a small whine from his lips._

_I kissed him hard while my body drove inside of him. He stopped the kiss to let out a broken sob while his hands hugged my shoulders letting his nails break my skin in his desperation to keep me close. I tried to set a slow phase but he kept asking me to go harder, to get deeper inside of him, to mark him as mine and to keep like this for all the eternity._

_His eyes were crying by now._

_My orgasm built up without me putting much thought into it. I just saw him come undone under my body and I let go following him into the abyss, like I would always follow him whereever he wanted to go. When I could breathe again I tried to move but his arms kept me there, inside of him with my face in the curve of his neck._

_"I love you, with all my life…please don't ever forget that" he whispered in a raspy voice._

_The next day I woke up to find myself alone. Only a note, not an explanation, no nothing.  
_  
I blinked away the painful memories. He had planned it all, that whole day had been a goodbye and I had been too blind to see it…too in love to even think about him doing that to me.

I still remembered the next days after waking up alone, those days had been the worst, waiting for a call, for a letter, for anything that could tell me what had happened, why did he have to leave…

And now there he was. Sitting cross-legged on his bed looking into his diaries like a stranger had drawn in them. He was Alexander, I could still see my husband in there, in the way he sat, the way he bit his lip when he was thinking, or the way he blinked when he was surprised by something. It was painful to see such resemblance and still be a stranger to him.

Over that whole time I had imagined different scenarios in which I could see Alec again. I saw myself angry, telling him to fuck off and leave me alone, telling him that I had already learned to live without him, that I didn't need him anymore.

That was a lie of course.

I also saw myself teary eyed begging for an explanation. My ego hated this scenario but I knew that it was likely to happen. My pride had never existed when it came to Alec.

So many ways for this to happen but I had never imagined seeing myself in such a situation.

After the hospital I had ran, I had ran back home and sat in my couch not looking at anything in particular, just letting everything sink in, it was painful to think about seeing him again, he had hurt me too much to just let things continue. I was angry at him, I had showed him that probably giving him the worst impression there was. I was letting my bitterness control me and that was not how I should´ve acted. I had to make all those destructive feelings disappear and remember that even if he was snarky, guarded and behaving like a completely different person, he was still Alec, he was still my husband and I shouldn´t be there mopping, I should be at his side through this whole thing.

So I made my bag and drove to the mansion ready to try to work things out with him.

But of course he didn't trust me, of course he was confused and lost and that only made me feel like a bigger asshole for leaving him like that. And yes, I knew that he had been the one that left me first but I couldn't do that to him, not after remembering his pained eyes that last night, like leaving had been the hardest thing he had done in his life.

He had told me how much he loved me over and over, he had told me what I had done for him and what it all meant to him. It was like he wanted me to remember that for later. Like he wanted me to remember that when he decided to come back...

"H-how did we meet?" I raised my head hearing his voice. He was looking down while his hands fidgeted with his sleeves and a nice little blush covered his skin.

I had to look away.

It was hell to see him right there, in front of me after all this time and not being able to run and hug him, kiss him and lose myself in his body. I closed my eyes and let out a breath before returning my eyes to him; he was biting his lip and looking sideways.

"I´m sorry, maybe you don't want to talk about ahmm…us…after, well… I left" he spoke fast when I failed to answer him.

"You were working at Starbucks" I told him looking at the diaries before I found the one I needed "One day I was sitting there on my own and you just…sat there and started asking me about myself" I turned the pages until I found the one where he was wearing his uniform.

"Yeah…that´s bull" snorted Alec. I rose an eyebrow at him "I know myself…I couldn't have done that in a million years" he shook his head.

"You said the same about proposing and you did it anyway" I moved to stand up "Come on, let´s eat" I jerked my head to the door.

"I´m not hungry" he mumbled.

"I don't care, you are eating and that´s final" I commented looking at my nails like I was speaking to a petulant child…It drove him to the walls when I tried to take care of him, he was used to be the protector and not having someone to lean on, I was prepared to bet that that had been there for his whole life.

"I don't need you to take care of me, I won´t eat if I´m not hungry" he spoke slowly in an angry voice. Oh yes, I was right.

"You are never hungry, that´s why you are just flesh and bones and that´s not nice darling"

"Flesh and bones! Look who´s talking!"

"Mua?" I put my hand on my chest in a offended manner "I am lean and graceful darling, this body it´s perfect the way it is…yours it´s not, you need more meat in those bones"

"I´ve always been like this"

"There´s always time for change" I walked to stand next to him and extended my hand "Come on, I know your siblings might be overwhelming but they missed you and they want to see you" he eyed my hand for a moment before letting out a long suffering sight and standing up ignoring my hand "You used to be polite"

"I don't take things from strangers" I masked my face trying not to show how his words wounded my soul.

Yeah, even if the banter was there and I could see him react to me…we were still strangers.

Alec PoV

We walked outside the room and he guided me to the living room. He was silent again, the calculating look having returned to settle in his face. I had caused that and I knew it, but I didn't know how to act around him. It was confusing how much familiarity he inspired in my feelings. Not even my siblings had done that, not the house, not my stuff…just Magnus.

For a second I saw myself arguing with him…sometimes being frustrating yells, others being more like a flirty banter. Always putting attention in his expressions and body language to know what was going on inside his mind.

"Hey brother!" said Isabelle´s happy voice from inside the kitchen.

Damn, this kitchen was bigger than one of our old apartments.

"Hey" I looked around seeing the huge fridge, the fancy looking island in the middle and a flat screen on the wall. Yeah, big step from where we used to live.

"We have Giorgios for dinner…what do you want, pepperoni or Hawaiian?" I looked at her confused.

"Are you talking about pizza?"

"Oh! Yeah! Sorry!" she gave me a wide eyed look "It´s a great pizzeria" she shrugged.

"Okay…I guess pepperoni" she grinned pushing a box close to me and opening it. Oh yes, it looked really good. "We have a butler…shouldn't we have someone to cook for us?" I was sure that even after all those years none of us had learned to cook.

"Yeah we do, but this is great and we were in the mood for it" answered Jace stepping inside the kitchen and turning on the TV "So…any memories?" I shook my head seeing Magnus take a slice of Hawaiian and sitting next to me.

"Why the news? Put something better…like project runway or a movie" Magnus said after a bite.

"Because Hodge throws a fit if I do, this is his TV" sighed the blond.

"But he´s not here" I frowned not getting why Jace was so…scared of that man.

"Oh but he is…he´s everywhere" he looked at me before turning around "It´s like he has cameras all over the place, it´s creepy"

"…sure"

"Don't mind him" snorted Isabelle "But Hodge it´s kind of scary when he wants to, you might want to do what you can to stay in his good side…we learned that when we first came here, it was really fun" she chuckled.

"And what…?" I shut up when I heard a name that gave me the chills. Without losing time I took the remote from Jace´s hands and turned up the volume.

"…the body was found in a hotel room, it was severely wounded but the police say that the killing blow was from a stab in the back, where the knife went through the heart killing him instantly" spoke a blond reporter. Behind her you could see the police outside the hotel.

"Is there any word about the killer?" asked the host.

"There is nothing much for now, witnesses say that Mr. Romanoff came inside with a young man with dark hair and blue eyes, probably a prostitute, but this man has yet to be found and the police won´t give any more details"

"Well thank you for your report Gabriela. Mr. Ivan Romanoff was known to be one of the heads of the Russian mob…" someone turned off the TV.

I blinked looking around only to see Magnus holding the remote and seeing me with a worried expression. I was breathing hard feeling lightheaded. I lifted my hands in front of my eyes feeling a headache coming...  
 __  
"Shit!" I hissed seeing my bloody hands. I groaned trying to stand up but my body refused to cooperate. I started feeling sick and my head was pounding but I needed to get out of there, no one could find me there "Keys…keys" I mumbled shaking my head knowing that I was a second from passing out, it had been just too much. Now Ivan was dead, his blood on my hands and there was so little time left. I had to escape before his minions came for me.

_As soon as I felt the room keys in my hand I took off. I opened and closed the doors before cleaning them with my shirt and letting them fall at the entrance. I couldn't take a thing with me, I needed a hospital._

_I needed Magnus._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey new chapter! Yay! Go working like an adult! Well not really, it's only fun when I see the numbers but any other moment it's a bitch because I have so little time to write T.T
> 
> Anyway!
> 
> Please tell me what you thought about it! Thanks for reading! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I´ve had my fair share of bad people, it´s almost like it was out of a movie…something like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, all dark and Russian" he smiled smugly raising his eyebrow like he was trying hard to make himself interesting –and failing miserably because he had only managed to look awkward and adorable- "I might even buy a biker jacket and start killing people…you should be very interested in me" he winked.

CHAPTER

Alec PoV  
 _  
I ran outside the building grasping my jacket around my body hoping that I could hide the blood. No taxi would take me if they saw it. I looked around before turning to the street and screaming to the yellow cab that was coming my way, it stopped and I got in._

_"Hospital!" I managed to say once I was inside._

_"Are you hurt?" The driver asked turning to look at me._

_"N-no, but my brother called and he is…so could you please…?" The man nodded once before he started driving. I bit my lip concentrating on keeping my breathing normal so I could control my nausea; I could not throw up inside the cab._

_The drive was a complete hell, I knew that I looked bad and judging from the worried looks the driver was sending my way, he had figured out that I was sick long ago…I just thanked God that the man was taking me to the hospital instead of throwing me to the street to die._

_"We´re almost there kid, just keep breathing." He said to me once we could see the hospital sign a couple of blocks away. I nodded feeling my head spin and my vision dotting. "What´s your name?"_

_"A-Alec…Alexander Lightwood." My voice hitched when my hand found my wound and grasped it hard…it was bleeding more and more each second._

_"Can you get out?" The guy spoke looking at me through the rearview mirror but I was too focused on getting air to my lungs to answer him. "Shit!" He cursed just before stopping the car and going out and around the car to my door, he took my arm and pulled me out while he screamed for help. I managed to set my arm free and slurred Magnus´ name. I needed him. I couldn't die without seeing him one last time, even if he hated me for what I had done to him._

_"Stay here, don't move!" The driver told me letting me rest against a wall, but in my fogged brain I hardly heard him so I gave a couple of steps not seeing the stairs right in front of me and I could not control my feet enough to go down making them trip with themselves sending me to the ground._

_The hard floor was the last thing I saw before pain exploded in my head and everything went black.  
_  
"Alec! Alec!" I gasped startled only to see four people looking anxiously at me. I tried to move, to speak, to do anything but my body was completely frozen.

I had killed a man.

The reason I had woken up in a hospital was because I was wounded after killing a man.

"Alec, breathe!" Magnus´ hands found my shoulders and gave me a little shake causing me to take choked breath before starting coughing hard. My heart was beating wildly while I tried to calm down. "That´s it, keep it up, in and out." I kept on breathing until my head stopped spinning and I could focus on what was going on around me.

"I-I…" I swallowed. "I need to go." After I said this, I got up and tried to walk away but a strong grip kept me in place.

"Not until you tell us what the fuck just happened." I heard Jace say and I had to close my eyes.

I couldn´t deal with them, not yet.

"No…" I looked around begging my body to cooperate, I could not show them how panicked, how scared of the things I had seen…of the things I had done, I was. "I can´t…"

"You can´t tell us...yeah, that´s a first." Jace spoke so bitterly that I had to look down fully knowing that it wasn't the first time I had shoved him off. My latest memories of him had been about a rebellious, mouthy and angry sixteen year old that had always caused trouble, not even bothering to help me out in my attempts to keep them alive. I knew that it was my own fault because I had never included him in anything I had done, fearing what he could think about me, about what I had to do to keep us breathing, and because of that he had resented me in more ways that I could think.

It hurt when your little brother yelled at you that he hated you because you couldn't tell him about the fucked up life you had chosen to continue living.

"We´re here to help you…" Izzy said in a small voice.

"Come on, tell us!" Demanded Jace and I could not take it anymore.

"Shut the fuck up! I need to be alone!" I yelled surprising myself and the others but I had their attention so I didn't care. "Leave me the fuck alone!" I took a step back shoving Jace´s hand away before turning around and marching to the direction of my room.

Only when I was safely behind closed doors I let my knees give in. I had no idea of what I could think about my memories, it wasn't fair that even with all those supposedly happy memories I had made in those five years, I could only remember the most horrible moment of my life.

Ivan was dead.

I had killed him and I hadn´t even felt remorse for it.

I felt my eyes begin to water at that thought. I could never see myself harming that man but somehow I had, and I had not felt bad about doing it, what was wrong with me? He had been the one that had taken care of me, the one that had saved me from the real monsters. Even with everything he had been kind to me…who was the person I had become in order to kill such a man?

I sobbed hunching my body until my head hit the ground. I remembered Ivan. I remembered his shark like smile, his graying hair, his dark brown eyes…his body. I remembered what it was like to have him inside of me, his hands grasping my body reminding me that he owned me. I remembered him because for me that was what was real, not Magnus, not this ridiculous mansion…it was Ivan.

And I had killed him.

"Fuck" I whimpered knowing that my whole body was shaking. What could I do? The police was out of the question and even if they knew that a blue eyed guy was inside there, they couldn't find me…I had made sure of that. I couldn't tell my siblings, they would be horrified and would probably want me to go to the police, they wouldn't understand that in that world, the police had no power…they would never understand how I had gotten into that world in the first place.

"Who the fuck am I? Why does all this shit keep h-happening to m-me?" I grasped my hair hard knowing that the pain would calm me... I wanted out, I wanted to stop feeling so confused and lost all the time.

I had to get away.

Magnus PoV

I was sitting outside Alec´s room waiting for him to calm down, maybe then I could convince him to tell me what had happened some minutes ago. It had been a little terrifying seeing him relaxed and calm for a second before his eyes began to darken and his movements to stop. He had sat there motionless, his eyes unfocused and fixated on the TV right before his breathing became erratic and elaborated.

The expression in his face had screamed terror in such a way that I had begun panicking myself.

I had only seen that expression once, seven months from now. I had been at a local coffee shop - unable to get inside a Starbucks without getting seriously depressed- with Ragnor, finally getting the hang of myself, finally accepting that Alec, with all the happiness he had brought, was really gone, he had left me forever and who knew why.

I had been sipping idly at my espresso when a movement caught my sight. I moved my eyes behind my shades to a hooded figure about ten feet from our table.

Even under those dark clothes I knew, I fucking knew who I was. It was Alec, my husband, looking at me like I was the devil incarnated; like I was a cursed demon and he had to get away from there as soon as possible.

Which he had done the next fucking second.

I still remembered how painful it had been, he had probably thought that I hadn´t seen him and that made it even worse because from that moment on, my eyes followed every movement, every shadow stupidly hoping to find him…but of course, they never did.

And now something had scared him so much that he had escaped to his room. I was not stupid, I knew that something must´ve triggered that…  
 _  
…Witnesses say that Mr. Romanoff came inside with a young man with dark hair and blue eyes, probably a prostitute…  
_  
I shook my head pushing the heels of my hands to my eyes…that had to be wrong, it couldn't be Alec…the fucking Russian Mob, that was insane, that was…  
 __  
"I´ve had my fair share of bad people, it´s almost like it was out of a movie…something like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, all dark and Russian" he smiled smugly raising his eyebrow like he was trying hard to make himself interesting –and failing miserably because he had only managed to look awkward and adorable- "I might even buy a biker jacket and start killing people…you should be very interested in me" he winked.  
  
"I´m totally sure that leather would look yummy on you coffee boy, but I think that the most dangerous thing you might be in, is six AM coffee rush hour"

"Well…" he lowered his eyes and something dark and unreadable went through them before he let out a quiet chuckle "New Yorkers do love their coffee, it can get pretty insane in here"

That had been a joke, a simple joke, he had only been trying to get me interested, he...he couldn't have been lying to me for so many years. There had to be an explanation, it was all just too unreal.

"You really need to go home" I looked up only to see him standing at his door looking exhausted.

"I already told you, I´m not leaving you alone" he let out a long breath before giving a strong nod.

"Okay then, you will be my guide" he stepped out of the room and raised his hand to me. "Come on. Show me how much New York has changed."

"Are you feeling well enough for that? You were stabbed not long ago." I felt the need to point it out and Alec just shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. "Have you been stabbed before?"

"Stabbed…no." he murmured pursing his lips. "Beaten enough that I know I can deal with it…yes."

"Okay…at least you are talking now, how about you tell me what just happened?" Alexander simply shook his head and moved his hand.

"Come on." I sighed and took his hand to get up.

And then it hit me, we hadn´t touched in the hospital, we hadn´t touched for a whole year…until now. I felt a lump beginning to form inside my throat while my body was unable to let his hand go because it felt like it belonged in there, grasped in mine and never away, his slightly colder skin clashing against mine causing a chill run through my whole body.

I didn't fucking care that he had left me.

I just wanted him to be mine again.

I wanted him. Period

"Let me go" I raised my head to his face with such force that I knew I was going to have whiplash later. He was looking at me with hollow eyes, not the eyes of the man I had married, but the ones of a stranger that didn't want me near him.

"…don't you feel anything, for me?" I managed to say in a crooked voice.

"I don't fucking know you." His voice was hard while he pulled his hand wanting to set it free, but I couldn't let go of him, it couldn't be true that after all, after everything, I was just a memory that could be erased forever.

"That doesn't matter because you love me, even if you left me I can be sure that our love was real!" at this he let out that small chuckle again.

"How can you be sure of that? I don't fucking believe you, just like I don't believe anything else that you tell me because it´s fucking impossible for me to be that person!" I fisted his shirt feeling anger replace my need of him.

"Then tell me why! Why is it impossible to believe me that we are married, that we love each other!"

"Because I left you! And I left you because I´m in love with someone else!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was going to go chapter by chapter with this story but meh, I wanted to complete it hehehe hope you guys like it! Please comment and thanks for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't believe in fairytales brother."
> 
> "You should, you already have a creepy castle."
> 
> "But that was thanks to you, maybe that means that you are my prince." He let out a chuckle.
> 
> "A really fucked up prince then."

CHAPTER 6

Alec PoV

"Because I left you! And I left you because I´m in love with someone else!" I yelled at him making him freeze before taking a small step back, like I had hit him and he was having trouble reacting to my words.

"…no." He spoke in a barely there whisper. "No." his voice grew stronger, like the simple thought about the possibility of me loving someone other than him was so insane that he refused to believe it.

"I do not love you" I told him with cruel clarity hoping that I could get it though his thick skull once and for all, not caring that seeing his disbelieving and hurt eyes made me feel something hollow inside.

"Why are you so set up in pushing me away?" Magnus questioned using the hand that kept grasping my shirt to push me against the wall. Once again I didn't even cringe; I fucking knew that he wouldn't hurt me and I hated him for that, I hated that one person could crumble all my walls so fucking easily making me completely vulnerable…and that I could still feel safe with him.

"Because…because…" I closed my eyes trying to think of a reason but I couldn't give it to him because the main reason that I didn't want him near me was fear.

I was scared of him because he made me feel so many things at once. He made everything brighter and darker at the same time. He made my body react like no one had managed to do before. He even brought up someone inside of me that I was not ready to meet. Someone that had killed a man so he could go back to his beloved husband. I couldn't turn into him. I could not betray Ivan like that.

"Yes, I thought so." I blinked hearing his voice dangerously close to me, his face was now leveled to my own, his breath ghosting in my skin and his lips oh-so-close to mine.

"…wait" I whispered seeing his eyes move to my lips and turning a shade darker. My whole body shuddered at the thought of kissing him. He practically was flushed against me, letting me feel the heat emanating from his body basically calling me to get closer every time I tried to move away; and with every breath, I could smell him, under the faint smell of his aftershave there was a unique aroma, something that made my stomach twist…the subtle scent of Magnus, the scent that finally screamed home.

"No." That was the only thing he said before closing that small gap between our mouths and kissing me.

If part of me thought that he would try to kiss me gently, that small part would´ve been wrong.

If another part of me thought that I would push him away, it would have been also wrong.

The second our lips touched he pushed me against the wall taking me like a starved man, like I was what he needed to keep on living and he couldn't take enough. I didn't even have a second to consider before I found myself answering his kiss, taking him just as eagerly. His lips moved expertly against mine, biting, tasting and taking everything from me. My arms sneaked around his neck pulling him towards me feeling completely intoxicated by everything that was Magnus.

His tongue sought entrance to my mouth and I didn't even think before I opened my mouth granting him entrance. He kept fervently touching every bit of my wanting mouth with such expertise that I couldn't hold back the broken moans he was pulling from deep inside of me. I felt myself grasp him harder; keeping him against me wanting to get drunk with his taste and never let him away from me again. His hands moved to take hold of my hair making me shiver and pant against his mouth getting overwhelmed by everything that I was feeling.

Just from a simple kiss.

Shuddering I realized that I should not be just scared of him; I should be fucking terrified of the power he had over me. I could not keep this up; I had to get him away from me and recover some of my sanity while I still could.

"Leave" I said after ending the kiss. I was trapped between him and the wall, I could not move further than half an inch from him and he seemed determined to keep me there…I was not sure if I could stop him from doing it. He moved until his lips were against my ear making me shiver one more time.

"Do you really think that if you didn't feel anything for me you would react like this to a simple kiss?" he whispered in a breathless voice before kissing my cheek and stepping back.

I was secretly glad that I was against a wall because I knew that my knees wouldn't hold me on their own.

"Lust, that´s all." I answered feeling a small headache start.

"BULLSHIT!" he snapped hitting the wall behind my head. "Why are you so against of giving me a chance?"

"Ivan Romanoff…he was my lover" I told him in an even voice not missing the subtle wince he gave me in return. "I was with him when he died."

"You can´t…"

"I remember it" he took a chocked breath and stepped back shaking his head with his eyes set on mine "I left you for him, I have loved him for a long time and that´s why I didn't believe everything you told me…until I remembered."

"But you married me!" He pressed his hand to his chest with his eyes shining in desperation.

"Because Ivan told me that he didn't want me anymore!" I clenched my fists. "He told me that I was useless and I stopped seeing him, but he must´ve thought better of it because he looked for me later and OF COURSE I went back to him! Because I love HIM!" I yelled felling my headache increase with every word "I did not want you then and I do not want you now! Leave! If you want me to sign something I fucking will! But I don't want to be tied to you any longer!"

He stood there, his whole body screaming hateful words to me while his eyes turned into ice. Something inside of me felt like dying while seeing him like that but it was for the best because even if I had lied to him about remembering things and about knowing what the fuck had happened all those years ago, I knew that some of that must´ve been the truth, because that was the only explanation I could come up with for the little things I remembered.

Maybe I didn't feel regret for killing Ivan because I hadn´t killed him, maybe I had been just there for his murder but I refused to believe that it had been me the one that had done it.

"I will send you the papers then, I won't tie you to me any longer." He spoke getting me off my thoughts before walking away. Once he was out of sight I let my body slide through the wall until I was sitting on the floor and grasped my aching head.

Even if I tried to explain everything to me one and a million times, it still felt incomplete and wrong…

I closed my eyes trying to even my breaths when I heard some footsteps get close. I turned to see my sister making her way towards me with an odd look on her face.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she asked crossing her arms and looking at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Not now Izzy" I covered my face with my hands.

"Magnus is the fucking best thing that happened to you, why are you pushing him away?" She walked to sit next to me.

"He´s a stranger Isabelle, I don't care about what he did in my life because I can´t remember him and maybe I won´t remember him at all, maybe I won´t get those five years back at all…" Strangely, my insides clenched painfully at that thought but I managed to convince myself that it was due to my injury and not some secret hope to have all my memories back.

"Don't say that." She frowned before taking my hand. "The doctor said that the brain scans were fine, that you will remember."

"You know that when it comes to the brain you can´t know, just like in The Vow, she never remembered him even if her brain was okay" I shrugged before getting up and walking to my room "Now I just need to sleep, good night."

After this I went inside and locked myself in there, before going to my bed and closing my eyes hoping that I could sleep and that everything would be over in the morning, and that things would be better so I wouldn't feel so exhausted after every fucking breath.

Isabelle PoV

"In the end of the Vow she had stayed with her husband even if she hadn´t remembered him." I mumbled grimacing before standing up and glaring at his door.

…

The Vow

…

The Vow was a 2012 movie. Magnus and I had dragged Alec to see it with us on a movie night.

"Oh god!" I squeaked when my brain caught up with that. He remembered something! He fucking remembered the Vow! That movie that he had whined and whined about was the thing his brain decided to remember! I practically jumped to get to his door but I managed to stop before I began knocking, I thought that for now it was better to let him sleep, after all, if someone should be exhausted, it certainly was my big brother. "Tomorrow" I told the door before turning around and going back to the kitchen eager to give Jace the news.

"Magnus will give him the divorce." Was what Jace said once I set a foot inside the kitchen.

"WHAT?" I yelled unable to believe his words.

"I caught up with him before he got into his car. He said that Alec had asked him for it." Jace groaned passing a hand through his hair. "What is Alec even thinking? I´m so fucking tired of his attitude and it only has been a day!"

"Well, welcome to our world brother, you are not the easiest one to deal with and Alec has been taking care of us from the beginning…"

"Doing what exactly?" Jace sneered and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"I heard their fight…Alec was cheating on Magnus! Alec remembers more than he says and I´m tired of waiting for explanations, I fucking knew that he was inside something bad! But how could I think that sweet Alec could do such things? How could I think that the perfect big brother could get into so much shit?" Getting tired of his confusing charade, I took him by the arm and pushed him until he was sitting at the table.

"Tell me what you know" I demanded crossing my arms.

"Just…little things, that I noticed before he left." He pressed his lips together. "A couple of times he called me in the middle of the night just to sit at a park and do nothing…he was acting weird, he talked to me about Mom and about you, he told me that I should take care of you…he even told me that he was glad that I had turned out half as bad as he had expected me to be. I thought that he was just sentimental and shit but…I´ve never been able to shake off the feeling of goodbye, the feeling that tells me that he knew that he was going to leave even then, he even said goodbye and I didn't notice." He exhaled harshly. "Once he even called me to pick him up at some bar…the place was a dump and the kind of people that were around were just fucking creepy." Jace shook his head. "He had a black eye and a split lip…he made me promise that I would take the blame, that he wanted to tell Magnus that it had been just our usual match and that he had been distracted."

"I remember that!" I covered my mouth with my hand remembering seeing Jace and Alec joke about the beating Jace had given him. "Was that the only time?"

"Yes, that´s why I didn't think more of it, but there was always something that irked about him when he spoke about all those years ago…and now I see why." After this we kept silent for a moment, each of us gathering our thoughts and memories of our brother. Usually Alec treated me with too much care, the usual way for a big brother to treat his little sister, but there were times when he remembered that he was just three years older than me and that he also needed to talk about things. Normally, those times involved big amounts of tequila –contrary to popular belief, Alec could hold his liquor quite well even if he could not stomach vodka even if his life depended on it-, ice cream and lots of chocolate.

I felt my stomach twist when I remembered the last time we had done that.  
 _  
"You are much too clever for your own good…I have a love-hate relationship with that part of you, baby sis." He had slurred from his current place. He was sprawled on the couch with his head on my legs while I played with his hair._

_"Why do you love it?" I asked him smiling; seeing Alec drunk was always fun._

_"Because only good guys will get to you, only the ones worth your love." He wiggled his eyebrows at me making me chuckle._

_"I don't believe in fairytales brother."_

_"You should, you already have a creepy castle."_

_"But that was thanks to you, maybe that means that you are my prince." He let out a chuckle._

_"A really fucked up prince then." I hummed enjoying the moment of peace, he took my hand and kissed it._

_"Do you know that you look a lot like mom?" I felt my throat tight hearing him say that._

_"Alec…I remember things about mom, bad things." He sighed and closed his eyes, like he was giving me permission to keep talking._

_"She did what she could to keep us alive; sometimes you don't have a choice." His voice sounded so quiet and grown up and it gave me the feeling that he was not only speaking about mom._

_"Would you have done it? Could you sell yourself for someone else?" I found myself asking noting that he had stopped moving and was looking at me with unreadable eyes._

_"Why do you ask?"_

_"I don't know, maybe I´m trying to understand her." I raised my shoulders not really sure myself._

_"For the people I love, I would do anything."_

_"How much do you remember mom?" I asked Jace willing my mind to go back to the present._

_"Not as much as I would have liked." He sighed before standing up and moving to kiss my forehead. "Get some sleep, even if Alec it´s crazy at least he´s back, so don't worry that much."_

_"Good night." I smiled at him before going for a glass of tea._ For some reason my mind kept replaying that memory nonstop, something told me that the reason why Alec had left was a lot more complicated than what we could imagine.

Letting out a long suffering breath, I walked to my room ready to sleep, tomorrow would be a new day and hopefully, things would be a lot less confusing.

Alec PoV  
 _  
"One large black coffee please, with lots of sugar." I snorted hearing the order, I knew those kinds of orders fairly well, and it was likely that once I turned to look at the owner of that half dead voice, I would find a pair of bloodshot eyes, a huge amount of bad breath and a pair of shades. I was even willing to bet myself a nice vanilla ice-cream if I was right._

_"Your name…" I asked him not moving my sight from the register already savoring that ice-cream._

_"Magnus Bane"_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Tempting." He moved forward and kissed my forehead. "But if I´m doing this, I will ask you a little more than this…say, what are you prepared to do to earn your freedom?"

CHAPTER 7

Alec PoV  
 _  
"Magnus Bane." Feeling my mouth water at the prospect of a vanilla ice-cream I looked up and I didn't need more than a second to know that my bets had been right but that didn't beat the fact that the guy was fucking gorgeous. He was taller than me, he had his hair spiked in all directions and filled with colors, he had golden flawless skin, his wardrobe was so stylish and weird but in him it looked good instead of completely ridiculous and finally, his slanted yellow-green eyes._

_I didn't even know that eyes like that existed._

_It was simple to say that all my body functions stopped working for a good five minutes, I really hoped he was too hangover to notice._

_"Hello? I think this guy is broken, can anybody else give me some caffeine fast!" I shook my head seeing the stranger –Magnus- call to my workmates across the bar, apparently he had noticed the staring. I felt my face heat up while I hurried myself on getting his order and trying to not think about all the snickers I could hear from all over the place. I finished the coffee in record time and handed it to him. "Thanks, keep the change." He told me handing me a ten and walking away while I tried not to hit my head against the counter._

_Way to look like a fool Alec._

_"What the fuck was that?" I heard Shane ask. I had to take a breath before turning to look at him, he was wearing the same mocking smile that I was sure that was planted in everyone else´s faces. "Do you have the hots for the Asian guy?"_

_"Leave me alone Shane." I mumbled before taking a step back to the register and busying myself in the other clients totally not thinking about how hot stranger was, or how out of my league -out my freaking planet- he was._

_Once I was done for the day I escaped that hell as soon as I could, I loved coffee but I would rather work at a normal coffee shop than a Starbucks, but of course I couldn't find a job anywhere else being that all of them asked for some experience._

_Just one more moth._

_I sighed at the little voice inside my head, one more month to have the minimum experience needed to get into a real coffee place and learn real barista stuff…really, my mom would be proud of me, juggling two jobs and two younger siblings at the same time, I was a real example to the world…I also loved sarcasm by the way._

_I was about to head to the nearest subway station when I felt my phone vibrate, I got it out seeing the caller ID._

_Ivan._

_I felt my chest flutter at the prospect of seeing him; I didn't lose time picking up._

_"Hey." I said while I crossed the street already feeling a stupid smile creeping in my face._

_"How are you today my pet?" I bit my lip at the name, it had been a long while since his way of calling me had affected me in a bad way, I knew what I was fairly well so now I felt it like an endearment._

_"I´m…" I stopped dry when I heard a known voice around me, my eyes shot up until they found none other than Magnus Bane walking directly towards me. He was more beautiful than I remembered, he was even smiling now! I took a step backwards ready to bolt not wanting to embarrass myself any longer with him. "Shit." I hissed looking around until I saw an alley just a couple of steps behind me, I ran there and put my back against the wall as I felt my heart beat like crazy. Swallowing I dared to take a peek at the street, the guy was now putting his headphones and walking a little faster in the same direction. I pushed my back to the wall and stopped breathing while he passed by me, completely oblivious to all the craziness he infused in my mind. Once he was away I remembered that I was talking to Ivan and felt myself frown, what the hell was wrong with me? Yeah, the guy was the most beautiful person I had ever seen but I loved Ivan, how could I ignore my owner for some guy that not only had been rude to me, but I had never even talked to? "I´m sorry…" I said to the phone already knowing that Ivan was mad because I hadn´t been fast enough in answering him._

_"Get here now." After he said this he hung up and I grimaced; now I was going to be punished thanks to a guy with a catchy name. I sighed before sending a text to Izzy telling her that I might be late again before walking to Ivan´s place._

_The next day I was aching all over, for punishment Ivan had been a lot more vicious than usual, not even taking time in prepping me, it hurt like hell when he did that but I knew that I deserved it, I shouldn't be looking at other guys like that._

_Even if they were gorgeous,_

_Or if they were right in front of the counter and staring at me with an amused expression._

_"Did you hear anything that I just said?" he asked and I felt my stomach drop._

_Seriously? I really needed to stop concentrating so much in my inner thoughts._

_"I´m sorry, could you repeat that please?" He rolled his eyes not losing his smile before telling me his order that turned out to be the freaking most complicated latte ever._

_I was sure he had done that on purpose, no one could want that sugar bomb on daily basis. When I finally finished it and I handed it to him I felt my body tense in expectation, had I done it right? Would he throw it at my face? Would he like it?_

_Why was I feeling like this? Who the fuck was this guy?_

_"Oh my God!" He yelled after he tasted it and my heart raced in pride, he had liked it._

_"Mags! Come on sweety!" I turned to look at the door where a beautiful blond girl was standing. I bit my lip, she looked like a model, she had style and arrogance all over her...I didn't need much to guess that she was his girlfriend._

_"I´m going!" He paid me before going to the girl. Together they looked so good it was kind of painful to see, so I had to make myself turn to the next customer and not overanalyze every confusing feeling that guy was causing me to have._

_The next few weeks were torture._

_I saw Magnus Bane every morning, it was becoming the highlight of my day even if I only spoke to ask for his order and tell him how much it cost. I was so pathetic. He didn't seem to notice me even if I had seen him make bad faces when some other guy took his crazy orders and didn't mix it well. I felt a little smug knowing that he only liked my coffee, I didn't even care that I didn't exist to him._

_Again, I was pathetic._

_The worst thing about all that was that Ivan was getting mad at me for being so distracted. He was getting more violent each day; there were times that I was literally afraid of answering his calls and going with him. And all thanks to that freaking walking rainbow that decided to saunter into my life. I didn't even know a thing about him, just his name and the fact that he loved colors. I was sure that once the mystery around Magnus Bane dissipated and I saw for myself that the guy was shallow and stupid, my life would be back to normal. My stupid not-crush on the guy would disappear and things would be at peace._

_That was what I kept telling myself one day as I walked to his table and sat in front of him._

_"Hi, I´m Alexander Lightwood, you are Magnus Bane and even if this sounds completely stalkerish, I tell you that it isn´t, so why don't we skip the awkward part and you tell me about yourself?" I was proud to notice how his mouth was hanging slightly open and his frappe halfway to his mouth. He blinked a couple of times before lowering the coffee to the table and narrowing his eyes at me._

_"You are the one that makes the great lattes, aren't you?" Oh, so he had noticed me._

_"I am." I nodded trying not to show how stupidly proud I felt of that._

_"So…" he took a sip of his coffee "What do you want to know?"  
_  
If there was a place in the Lightwood mansion that I had liked, that definitely was the roof. I could just sit there for hours and hours without bothering anyone. It was a place that had always given me enough peace to think and relax. Sadly, now it was a place that brought up so many memories, so much emotion, that the second I had stepped in there I had fallen to the ground crying like I hadn't cried in ages just because I knew that I wouldn't find peace in that place anymore, in fact, I wouldn't find peace anywhere else, ever.

I didn't deserve peace.

I sat and hugged my knees letting my body shake with each sob. That was the only thing I could give myself because I knew that if I didn't let out some of the sorrow that clouded my senses, I would become insane. I cried for what it felt like hours, seeing in my mind each moment that had led me to this, each choice that I had taken me to make my life the hell that it was now. I fisted my shirt remembering the way I had pushed Magnus away, the way he had tried to help me, the way he had showed me that even if I had abandoned him, he still loved me. I whined grasping my hair feeling my heart ache when his words replayed in my head, he was giving me the divorce; he had finally gotten tired of dealing with me and I had no idea if I was sad or glad for that.

Once I was finally able to take breaths without starting to cry again I passed my hands through my face attempting to clean it, I felt my eyes swollen and my throat aching, but more than physical pain, I felt like I had a hole in my chest, consuming everything that I was; keeping me from feeling anything other than a painful hollowness.

I looked into the sky while I felt more tears roll down my face once I remembered what I had to do next. Even if I knew that I couldn't live without Magnus, I had to give him up, to let him free…

I had to sign the papers.

A wrecked sob escaped my mouth and I was quick to cover it with my hand. No one could see me like this, no one could know that, since last night…I remembered Magnus, that I remembered how I had fallen in love with him. They couldn't know that I also remembered my father, college and that I fucking remembered why I had left…that I remembered everything.  
 __  
Ever since the day that I had managed to get an actual conversation with him, Magnus had stopped by every day, sometimes he just ordered and left with a smile and a wave, but most of the times he stayed there, at first in a table just making small talk while he ordered, but as the weeks went by he had moved to the counter, chatting for hours about everything and nothing.

_He told me about his job as a stylist, about his cat and his best friend –Camille, the blond girl-, I told him about my siblings, about my mom and about how hard it was to cope with everything._

_It had scared me at first, how easy it was for us to talk about everything, but then I simply stopped thinking about it, it felt too good to be a mistake._

_Of course, until I remembered that I was pet, a whore and that he would never be interested in someone like me. And, by the way, wasn't I supposed to be in love with Ivan? What was I doing thinking about what Magnus could think of me? I was confused, I had been so sure that what I felt for Ivan would be the real deal and that my feelings wouldn't change. But now, every time that I was with him I imagined someone else._

_I changed his cold brown eyes, for a pair of playful yellow-green ones._

_I changed his white skin for a golden one._

_I wanted to be surrounded by happiness and color, by awful pop music and easy chatter. I wanted Magnus Bane and that terrified me because, how could I walk away from that world? How could I escape Ivan? Right now I was at his house, alone in one of the rooms simply waiting until he decided to pay me a visit, lately I was feeling a lot more like a whore than at the beginning…some part of me was glad that he seemed a lot less smitten with me, that way I could earn my freedom a lot faster._

_"Did Ivan ground you?" I turned to the door only to find Marcin watching me. He was Ivan´s right hand and the only other person I trusted inside that place._

_"Apparently." I shrugged from my sit on the bed while crossing my legs._

_"I´ve watched you lately, you seem a little…off." He closed the door behind him and I fisted my hands, he also was the only other person that could touch me, but I didn't want him to do it, not Marcin, not Ivan, no one…but Magnus._

_"Help me get away." I told him not moving from my spot. He narrowed his eyes._

_"You do realize what you´re asking, right?" he walked to stand right in front of me._

_"Please…I will do anything if you make him leave me." I let my hands caress his shirt already knowing what I had to do, one last time, to finally be free._

_"Tempting." He moved forward and kissed my forehead. "But if I´m doing this, I will ask you a little more than this…say, what are you prepared to do to earn your freedom?"_  
  
"Alec!" I jumped hearing Izzy call my name. I turned only to see her looking at me with a worried expression before she stomped until she reached my place and put her hands on her hips. I felt a pang in my chest at that sight. It was so painful to see her and not hug her like I wanted to. Now that I had remembered that I hadn´t seen her for an entire year, I felt how much I had missed her, even if I had seen her yesterday. Everything was so confusing and hard, I just wanted it to be over.

"Hey." I whispered and gave her a half smile hoping that she didn't notice how fucked up I really was.

"What happened?" She asked and I had to chuckle, of course I had been too optimistic to think that she wouldn't find out. Her sharp mind was one of the things I loved the most about my sister.

"Nothing…just admiring the view." I shrugged sensing her sitting beside me.

"You know, The Vow was out not long ago." She told me nudging my arm and I frowned not getting what she meant.

"Yeah, so?"

"You mentioned it yesterday." She grinned at me. "Why aren't you smiling? It means that you will remember things! That your brain is okay!" I tried to smile just for her sake but it came out more like a grimace, which got her attention right away. "What is it?" Her voice turned cold, I looked down not knowing how to shove her away, how to tell her to stop asking.

"Just…leave it alone Izzy." I passed my hand through my face feeling drained.

"Look at me." Something in her voice made me look without thinking; her eyes searched in mine and she must´ve found something in them because before I knew it, her hand was colliding with my cheek with surprising strength.

"What the hell?" I put my hand over the abused flesh as I looked at her. "Are you insane?"

"You remember, don't you?" She hissed pushing her fist into my arm. I knew that I couldn't lie to her so I simply nodded. "Since when?"

"A couple of hours ago…I was asleep after getting the most horrible headache I had ever had, and when I woke up it was like I hadn´t forgotten a thing." I swallowed knowing what was next.

"Then you remember why you left."

"Yes." I answered even if I knew that she was not asking me.

"Will you tell us why?"

"No. I can´t." I got up and started pacing.

"Why? What was so important that you left your husband and your family without a second thought?" She followed my movements and grasped my arm pulling me until I faced her again.

"Do you think it was easy for me? Do you think that one day I just decided to leave?"

"I don't know! Why do you start telling the truth for a change?" she snarled pushing her index finger into my chest.

"The truth? DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING TRUTH?" I yelled grabbing her by the shoulders and giving her a strong shake. "Your mother was a slut; she used to sell herself every fucking day to a different person to get a meal down your throat! She died because a fucking client gave her AIDS" Her eyes began to tear up but I didn't let myself feel guilty, if she wanted the truth, she could have it "AND GUESS WHAT? YOUR BIG BROTHER IS ALSO A FUCKING WHORE!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind." ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

Chapter 8 

Magnus PoV  
 _  
Loneliness._

_That was the word that described my life. Yes, I knew tons of people and my parties were epic, but none of those people actually cared about me. I had friends, but my guy best friend lived in another city and my girl best friend…well, things with her were complicated and I was not entirely sure that I could trust her._

_My parents had died when I was young._

_I was used to being on my own, and I had never really cared that the only constant being in my life was my tiny cat…until now. For some reason, I had started to feel alone and empty more times than what I was accustomed to. I knew that I needed someone, that I wanted someone to be there for me, but no one could ever make an impression; no one could even make me look twice._

_Now, I was hangover and currently standing in front of the counter of a Starbucks, I wasn't a fan of the place but I needed caffeine fast and I didn't have the energy to walk further and find another coffee shop. I just hoped that the coffee wasn't as shitty as I thought it could be._

_Why was this guy taking so long? I turned to look at the cashier and he was fucking staring at me…really, I didn't want to deal with this shit right now._

_"Hello? I think this guy is broken, can anybody else give me some caffeine fast!" I yelled hoping to get his attention and fortunately it worked because he started to make my coffee finishing it in record time. I took the cup, paid him telling him to keep the change and walked outside before taking a sip of it…_

_HOLY SHIT IT WAS AMAZING!_

_I looked at the cup with my mouth slightly open, it was unnatural that a Starbucks cup could taste this good! I took another sip and yes! It was still good. I was not proud to say that I moaned a little but damn, it was just fucking right. Well at least my day was a little better now; maybe I could get over being pathetic and start feeling like a human being again._

_Thanks to an amazing coffee._

_Thinking that maybe the great coffee could be reproduced, I went back to that same Starbucks the next day, only this time Camille was with me and I was in a better mood because I had actually been productive the day before thanks to that cup. I stepped in line rolling my eyes at my blond friend when she said that she was not buying in that place because it was not good, she could stand outside all she wanted, if I had a shot at having a great latte today, I would definitely take it._

_When it was my turn I didn't lose time in telling the casher my order, making it as specific as possible…until I noticed that he hadn´t move for a good three minutes._

_I could be mad at him for making me lose time, but he was cute so I simply smiled before I asked him._

_"Did you hear anything that I just said?" And he turned red as a tomato, he really looked kind of adorable._

_"I´m sorry, could you repeat that?" He asked me in a small voice. I snorted before repeating my whole order; yeah I was not having much hope that they could make a good latte. Once he gave it to me I tried it without losing time._

_"Oh my God!" I said out loud not caring about the odd looks I got. It was freaking good!_

_"Mags, come on sweety!" Screamed Camille and I practically ran to her._

_Two great cups in one store, there was no coincidence, this could be the only Starbucks in the world to make good coffee and that meant that this was going to be on my radar from that moment on._

_As the weeks passed by I continued going to the place, only a couple of times they had given me a thing that couldn't resemble coffee, but the other days it was so good that I forgot about the bad ones before. I knew that that meant that only one of the guys made good coffee, but I had never put much attention to them to know which one was the talented one._

_Until the day he decided to sit in front of me._

_"Hi, I´m Alexander Lightwood, you are Magnus Bane and even if this sounds completely stalkerish, I tell you that it isn´t, so why don't we skip the awkward part and you tell me about yourself?"_

_Huh?_

_I knew I must´ve looked like a fool, with my cup halfway to my lips and mouth open in shock, but wow what was with this guy?_

_This really cute guy, with blue cute eyes and a nice blush…_

_Huh._

_"You are the one that makes great lattes, aren't you?" His blushed deepened and I couldn't help but smile at him._

_"I am." He said with his blue eyes shining._

_"So…" I put my coffee down; it wouldn't hurt to talk to him for a while. "What do you want to know?"_

_From that moment on I remembered to ask for him to make all my orders, I also talked to him a little, never noticing that it became a lot easier each time. When I stopped to think about what was going on, I was sitting on the counter and talking to him like we had known each other for years. I actually looked forward to our conversations over coffee each day; wanting to tell him about all the great things that had happened to me during the day, about Camille and Ragnor…about my parents._

_Soon, he was my go-to person for everything, and before I could think about what was going on I had started to dream about him._

_About talking to him, holding him, seeing him smile…kissing him and making love to him._

_It was scary as hell because that had never happened to me and I didn't even know when it had started, but I wanted him. Not just physically, but emotionally too._

_Before I knew it, the loneliness that had plagued my life for so many years, had vanished leaving a fuzzy and good feeling inside. That blunt blue eyed coffee maker had stolen my soul, and he didn't seem willing to give it back anytime soon.  
_  
That was fine by me.

I watch the city burn

These dreams like ashes float away

Your voice I never heard

Only silence

Where were you when our hearts were bleeding?  
Where were you when it all crashed down?  
Never thought that you'd deceive me  
Where are you now?

I was looking at something, something that made my whole body ache but I couldn't stop staring at. It was the first picture we had taken of both of us. Alexander had been smiling the smile that I loved the most, it was small and barely there, but every time he showed it, his eyes shined so bright that it took my breath away.

Now, it only brought tears, because I knew that it was never meant for me, that I was just a rebound, that he had never truly loved me and that he wanted to be away from me.

Forever.

"I never liked him." Camille spoke from her spot on the couch while I was inside a blankets fortress in my bed. "I think this is good for you Mags, you should be angry, he fucking cheated on you! He left you! He was just toying with you!" Her words stung, but I knew that they were the truth.

"Can you shut up?" I moved my eyes to the other side of the bed, where Ragnor was currently sitting. Only in times like this I realized why he was still my best friend, the second I had picked up the phone to talk to him, he had asked me if I wanted him to come, willing to leave his wife for the weekend so he could be here with me.

And the fact that he had actually liked Alec was a plus, because now he was just as confused as I was and not just bashing against him like Camille was doing.

"Why? It´s the truth!" She crossed her arms.

"I don't think so." I frowned hearing the seriousness in his voice, he had been quiet this whole time, but I had assumed that it was just because he knew that I didn't really want someone to bitch about Alec, I just wanted someone to be there because I couldn't manage to hold things on my own. "Don't you think that things are just too weird to be as simple as him cheating on you?"

How long can you stand the pain?  
How long will you hide your face?  
How long will you be afraid?  
Are you afraid?  
How long will you play this game?  
Will you fight or will you walk away?  
How long will you let it burn?  
Let it burn  
Let it burn

Yes. But that didn't make the fact that he had cheated on me any less painful.

"He still left me for another." I told Ragnor wanting to hold into the anger that I was feeling. It was the only thing that I had left to keep me sane before I began to fall into a depressing abyss.

"No, he left you and his family. We all know Alec, what´s the first thing you notice about him when you actually got to know him?"

His amazing blue eyes. Said a little voice in my head.

No. I told it. The first thing that had made me think twice about him was his love for his siblings. The way he had spoken to me about them, the way his eyes shined in pride every time he told me how they were doing in school. I wanted to inspire that much devotion from him, but not because I wanted someone to take care of me like he did with them, but because I wanted to take care of him, to hold him and tell him that he didn't have to do all those things on his own anymore. That I was there for him.

It was then when Ragnor´s words rang in my mind. He was right, Alexander hadn´t just left me, but his siblings too, and that just didn't add to the whole cheating and leaving you for another equation. I knew for sure that he couldn't leave his siblings if it wasn't for something truly serious.

"You are getting what I´m saying, aren´t you?"

I watch the city burn  
These passions slowly smoldering  
A lesson never learned  
Only violence  
Is your world just a broken promise?  
Is your love just a drop of rain?  
Will we all just burn our fire?  
Are you still there?

"So what if something else happened?" Camille spoke standing up and glaring at Ragnor. "He still doesn't want Magnus, he told him he loves another."

"But that was five years ago." Ragnor said. "If five years ago, Alec was in love with some other dude but he married Magnus, what does that tell you? He fell for Magnus and forgot all about that other guy." He put his hand on my shoulder making me look at him. "Think about it Magnus, you were obsessed with the Vow movie for weeks, what did the guy do? He tried to win her back, to make her fall for him again, and he managed to do it! Now, you tell us that you kissed and that it was not a simple kiss, are you actually giving up so easily?"

"Easily?" I sat and glared at him through my swollen and reddish eyes. "I have been trying to get over him for a year, always asking what happened! And now he´s back and he still doesn't want me close! It fucking hurts and I´m tired of it! I´m so fucking tired!"

"I´m not saying that it will be easy." He sighed looking at me with understanding eyes. "But, don't you think that at least you should try?"

Will you wait until it all burns down?  
Will you hide until it all burns down?  
Will it hurt when it all burns down?  
Will you fight when it all burns down?

Will you stand when it all burns down?  
Will you love when it all burns down?  
Will it end when it all burns down?  
Will you just let it all burn down?

I put my hands on my face. Ragnor was right, I should fight Alec, fight him until he told me the truth, until I found out what had really happened. He was also right about the way he had left, the days before he had been off, sad and worried...and there was also that last night we had spent together, he had told me that he loved me over and over again, like he wanted me to remember that even if he was planning on leaving.

Why had he done that? What had really going on? The only way I could find out was to get Alec to talk to me, but without his memories he didn't trust me…I was still not sure he had done that in the first place but I was willing to be optimistic and think that there had to be bigger reasons for his actions.

"If I want to know the truth I have to get close to him again…"

"If you managed to make him fall for you once, who says you can´t do it again?" Ragnor shrugged with a half smile on his face. "I will tell you the same thing I told you when you guys got married: Alec is good for you, he loves you and even a blind guy can see that. Don't let him get away." After hearing his words Camille snorted and sat heavily on the bed next to me.

"As much as I hate –and I really fucking do hate that- to admit, I think that Ragnor might have a point." Camille mumbled looking at me. "I hate to see you like this, but I also accept that when you were with Alec you were the happiest I´ve seen you so I guess it´s worth the risk."

I nodded, even with everything that had happened I felt that all of this was worth it, just because I had met that guy that had turned my world upside down and made things a lot different, a lot better because he gave me a purpose, he made me want to be there for him, to make him happy and protect him.

So fuck it all, he was still my husband and I was going to get him back even if my heart shattered in the process.

He was not going to get rid of me so easily.

How long can you stand the pain?

How long will you hide your face?  
How long will you be afraid?  
Are you afraid?  
How long will you play this game?  
Will you fight or will you walk away?  
How long will you let it burn?  
Let it burn  
Let it burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used "Let it burn" by Red.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To begin with,  
> I've never wanted to get old with no one else,  
> And I don't know what will happen to me if you leave,  
> I just know that I want to be where you are.

CHAPTER 9

Alec PoV

"…no" whispered Isabelle closing her eyes really tight before she opened them and looked at me... her eyes were cold and expressionless, like she was looking at a stranger.

For her, I probably was.

"I´m a pet, a whore! I give my body away for money! I let them fuck me however they please because I´m nothing more than a fucking prostitute!" My whole body shivered at my own words. It was odd to say them so lightly, but after so much time keeping the secret, it felt liberating to finally be able to say it out loud, to have someone else to bear it with me.

"Don't speak like that…" She shook her head as I watched tears run down her face.

"It´s the truth." My voice grew softer. I looked down while I waited for my breath to even, I felt exhausted and drained.

Things were not okay.

I should´ve never told Izzy the truth, it didn't matter how good it felt to be able to say those things out loud, now I had to explain things to her, and knowing my sister, once she got over the shock she would demand every single detail of my life, and I was not sure I was ready to explain anything. I closed my eyes and grimaced feeling my upset stomach turn once more at the prospect of telling someone my story.

"I-I…" I opened my eyes to look at my sister just when she took a step backwards while she shook her head. "I can´t…" Her eyes were moist and sad. "…I´m sorry." And before I could understand what she was talking about she walked past me and got inside the mansion.

Seconds before Jace showed his face.

"I really love my luck." I gave him a humorless laugh.

"If you didn't want anybody to know, you should prevent yourself from screaming that you´re a whore to the whole world." His voice was strained and his eyes weary, but he hadn´t run away so I kind of counted that as a win. "What is going on Alec?"

"You don't want to know." I grimaced hugging myself and avoiding his gaze.

"No…I really fucking don´t." He passed his hand through his hair making a frustrated noise. "But I kind of feel like I need to know…"

"What do you want me to say?" I shrugged.

"I don't know! You are my best friend, my brother, and now it´s like I don't even know you!" He shook his head before glaring at me. "And I want you to tell me all of it, but I wouldn't know if it really is the truth now, would I? You have hidden from us so much …" He grimaced passing his hand through his face "How can I believe anything that comes out of your mouth from now on?" I clenched my jaw looking down, I had expected things to go like this, and it was for the better, I didn't deserve them and I couldn't expect to have my family back after all that I had done.

"I did what I had to do…" I told him weakly.

"No" He took a step forward fisting my shirt and making me look at him "You took the easy way out, you couldn't get the fucking balls to tell us; you just took off!"

"I did it to protect you!" I pushed him away from me. "Don't act like this was not hard for me, my life has been hell for the last ten years! And I did all of that for you and for Isabelle!"

"We didn't ask for that!" he growled making me snort. Like that would´ve made a difference.

"Think what you want, I´m tired and aching, so I´m going to my room." I pushed past him and practically ran inside my room.

Once I was inside I closed my eyes while tremors hit my body. They finally knew.

They fucking knew of the kind of shit I was, they knew that their perfect big brother was nothing more than a fake. Yeah, I had escaped for a while, managing to even fool myself, managing to make my heart believe that it could be happy and free with the man I loved, but of course that had been a lie, a cruel trick that life had decided to play on me. I looked around feeling myself cringe, it was too neat and clean, too organized. It was a place that screamed of my solitude, of the life that had led me to this.

It screamed that Magnus was not around anymore.

I sobbed fisting my hands, I couldn't stand it. I stomped to the other side of the room, where I had organized all of my books and with a fit of rage I pushed them all to the floor, then ran to my bed and scrambled the blankets making it as messy as I could. Letting out a wrecked sob I turned to my closet and began throwing everything away until I my hands found a little piece of color, a soft blue scarf that Magnus had bought saying that it reminded him of my eyes.

I pressed it to my chest feeling like something had hit me so hard that it was hard to breathe.

I sat on the floor clutching the piece of fabric. I deserved all of this, I deserved hell, but I had to act like nothing had happened, like I was not a monster or it would be all in vain.

"I can´t do it." I whispered knowing a little too well how weak I really was, I needed something to help me not-feel, something to make me forget about all that was going around in my life, something that might make my hell a lot more bearable.

I knew I had the perfect solution, but that meant going back to being someone I had stopped being a while ago and break a promise that I had made to Magnus a long time ago.

Somehow, I thought that making the decision would be a lot harder than what it really had been.

Magnus PoV

"Okay, so, I´m going to win him back…yeah I can do this, I can…" I told myself in the mirror while my hands clenched the sink. It had been a whole week since I had last seen Alexander and I still was not sure I could handle seeing him again, it was all too confusing and hurtful to take it lightliy.

"You´re acting pathetic." Camille sang from my bed.

"I don't know what happened, but the amnesiac Alec and the Alec I met five years ago, are really different…so I´m not sure how to approach him. He seems so eager to push me away…"

"Have you ever thought that he might be scared of you?" She said standing up. "I´m thinking that maybe you came up a little bit strong on him."

"What´s with the understanding attitude? You don't even like him."

"No I don't, but okay I´m human so I can put myself in someone else´s shoes if I have to, so I did that with Alec and I got myself thinking…"

"Did it hurt?"

"I thought!" She glared at me. "That he feels like he´s 20 years old, that he´s poor and that he has to do God knows what to help his family; then he wakes up and he´s five years older, married to a walking rainbow..." Magnus felt a little stab on his chest at those words, it felt like ages since the last time he had heard Alec call him that with a smile on his face. "That won´t leave him alone and for whom he has all these intense feelings…I don't know about you, but I would get a little crazy too."

"Okay, you´re right…so what do I do? Do I give him some time?"

"I´m not sure that would be a good idea, just go and try to be his friend, you told me that he wanted you show him around, do it, have dinner with him and see what happens." She shrugged.

"Okay." I sighed putting on my jacket and taking my keys. "Don't throw a party while I´m not here!" I yelled at her before walking outside the apartment almost colliding with the old lady from 403. "Woah, sorry!" I told her not missing her angry stare.

"I always liked the shy one better, why didn't he stay instead of this…misfit?" She grumbled walking away. I winced a little at her words before shaking my head and heading to the elevator.

I was anxious.

I couldn't stay still and my lip was sore from all the biting I had been putting it through. But I had to do this. I had to get him back. So I walked to my car, fastened my seatbelt, took a deep breath and drove to the mansion.

 

Why do I care?

You ask me what is left for us to save.

Why do I want to us to get back?

What does it matter if this is already broken?

You want to find another place.

But at least, I want to answer,

Why, I won't give up and why I´ll try to see you one more time.

To begin with,

You make this a better world.

When you speak, you fill me up,

And make the loneliness go away.

To begin with,

I´ve never wanted to get old with no one else,

And I don't know what will happen to me if you leave,

I just know that I want to be where you are.

 

Once I arrived, I had to give myself a couple of minutes to breathe before I got out of the car and went to the entrance. I took a deep breath before ringing the door bell and waiting for Hodge to open.

Imagine my surprise when it was frowning Jace the one at the door.

"If you are here with the divorce, I won´t let you pass." He crossed his arms using his body to block the entrance.

"What?" I frowned not getting what he meant.

"You told Alec that you would be getting the divorce, and you are not going to give it to him."

"We had a fight, but I won't give up on him that easily." I grimaced. "I know he doesn't remember, so I gave him some time to adjust before coming here again…of course I did that thinking that he hadn't remember a thing, is he still the same?" Jace narrowed his eyes and I could´ve swear that I saw something flash in them before he let out a breath.

"No, he´s just like before…he has been in his room the whole time." His eyes turned steely, he probably was less than happy for that.

"So, can I come in now?" Jace nodded before stepping back.

"I´ll tell Hodge to put another plate for you…Izzy is with a friend, and you are welcome to see if you can get Alec out of his cave, if you can´t, you are welcome to eat with us." After he said this he walked to the TV room and flopped himself on the couch.

 

We had it bad,

The good moments seemed to drift away,

Then we started to doubt

You scared me and I couldn't stop you

But not for a second I had stopped missing you.

To begin with,

You make this a better world.

When you speak, you fill me up,

And make the loneliness go away.

To begin with,

I´ve never wanted to get old with no one else,

And I don't know what will happen to me if you leave,

I just know that I want to be where you are.

 

I walked around the house making some time before I reached his room. And while I was roaming around the hallways, I saw none other than Izzy sitting next to a huge window with a lost look on her face.

"Hey" I said sitting next to her, something told me that she needed someone to talk to.

"Hey" she mumbled hugging her knees closer to her body. We kept in silence for a couple of minutes before she decided to speak again. "Your mother was a prostitute, wasn't she?"

"Yeah…" I answered frowning, where had that even come from?

"How do you feel about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I-I…" She grimaced. "I´m curious, if someone I knew was like that I think…I think that I would feel betrayed."

"Why? My mother did it because she had no option…"

"You always have an option." She glared at me.

"No, the world is so fucked up that sometimes you just don't." She shook her head and I witnessed how her eyes got filled with tears.

"I don't think that, I think that there´s always a way, that only cowards and idiots do that!" After she said this she got up and ran down the hallway leaving me completely confused. I shook my head and got up to head to Alec´s room. One Lightwood at the time, I was not equipped enough t deal with more.

Once was in front of Alec´s room I debated if I should knock or use my key to open and make him talk to me. Last time he had made me wait for hours, and Jace had already said that he had been in there for a long time, so I took out my key and before I could change my mind I opened the door and stepped inside.

The room was a complete mess.

If that was not a signal that something was wrong, the pained whimper that came from the bed made my worry grow quite a lot. I moved to look at the small form under the covers. He seemed so small and fragile that I had to fist my hands and restrain myself from going there and hug him until he stopped making those sounds. I pressed my lips together managing my options, I could get out and go eat with his brother, or I could go there and help him calm down.

"N-no…please…" He sobbed making my decision clear. I made my way towards the end of the bed and knelt beside it. I bit my lip looking at his fisted hand and moist eyes.

The heck with it! I climbed on the bed and I carefully cradled him in my arms felling his hot skin beneath my fingers, I dwelled on the fact that that was the only way I could see him shirtless again. I let my finger trail through the part of his back that was out of the blankets, he had startled but didn't wake up, so I continued to caress him and began whispering sweet nothings to him wanting him to calm down.

"Magnus…" he shivered. For a moment I thought that he had woken up, until he let his face fall in the crook of my neck and fisting my clothing.

"I´m here, It´s okay." I whispered kissing his forehead. I didn't let myself think about the wetness he was leaving on my shoulder, or the way his whole body had tensed at the sound of my voice. I just wanted his nightmare to end "Everything will be fine." I continued hugging him for a while, not noticing that he had stopped moving completely, like his whole body had frozen in that spot.

"What are you doing here?" He asked making me jump before moving to look at him. He avoided my gaze but I couldn't be more bothered, he hadn´t kicked me out yet.

"I came to see you."

"You should leave."

"I should be here, with my husband."

"I don't want you here." He pushed himself backwards and turned to sit at the other side of the bed.

"WHAT IS THAT?" I barked seeing the word WHORE covering his entire back.

 

To begin with,

I´ve never wanted to get old with no one else,

And I don't know what will happen to me if you leave,

I just know that I want to be where you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used, is a rough translation of "Para empezar" by Leonel Garcia


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you feel my heat  
> Look into my eyes  
> It's where my demons hide  
> It's where my demons hide  
> Don't get too close  
> It's dark inside  
> It's where my demons hide  
> It's where my demons hide
> 
> "Demons" by Imagine Dragons

CHAPTER 10

Alec PoV

I took a shaky breath, I was an idiot. I had had all the intentions of finally speaking to Magnus but in the end it had been too much, too much to even try it, so I had had the brilliant idea of running up to my bathroom and corner myself…a truly genius move.

I grasped the sink and looked myself in the mirror, my body was filled with bruises, I looked thin and ragged. I looked sad and old, I felt sad and old…too broken to mend, too fucked up to care. I was marked, Ivan had left his signature in my body, my soul. And now the man I loved the most had seen it.

I disguised myself.

How could Magnus find it in him to even look at me? I did not know. I couldn't even imagine what was for him to see me, to see this ghost of the person that I got to be when I was with him. I let my hands roam my chest, right over every wound and pained spot; it should be painful, but I didn't feel a thing, I was numb to everything, I was so tainted that I couldn't even hope to be what I used to be back then.  
 _  
A first kiss…I had never really had one. Ivan had simply raped my mouth when he liked, never kissing me after, never even thinking that I could want that kind of thing from the man that had supposedly loved me. But Magnus was different, he had taken his time, he had been cautions and sweet with me...he had been what no one had even bothered to be in my whole life._

_I felt my heart race as I saw his eyes darken while they looked at my lips…I knew what he wanted and I wanted him to take it. I couldn't give it to him because I was selfish, I wanted for someone to want a kiss from me because no one had ever done that, no one had taken the time to make me want them this much, to have my skin crawl with need and my body shiver with eagerness just because they wanted it as much as I did._

_Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me._

_My mind chanted one and a thousand times. I felt his breath ghost over my lips as my breath hitched._

_Please…  
_  
"Alec…I…" I heard his voice from the other side of my bathroom door. I fisted my hands refusing to speak, to give him more hints of what was really going on, I should´ve known that he knew me all too well to figure things out fast enough, to count all the facts and come to the right conclusion.

I had always been a lousy liar when it came to my husband.  
 __  
His hands cupped my face. I couldn't think anymore, all I could hear was my beating heart, my brain was buzzing; everything was too much. His velvety mouth touch mine and I was lost.

_I was lost for him, into him and because of him._

_I couldn't care less about how fucked up I was because this man, this amazing and incredible man, cared for me, he said he loved me and I couldn't find it in me to think of his words as lies. My heart couldn't bear the thought of him not wanting me as I wanted him, I couldn't imagine what I could feel if this was not truth…thanks to him I was eager to hope, to want and need something else, something better._

_Something colorful.  
_  
Whore.

The first day that I had been back, Ivan had decided to remind me what I was and never let me forget it. I didn't even remember when he had done it… I had been too drugged to even feel the needles in my back.

I took a chocked breath trying to stop a sob that fought its way out of my lips. I had been sure that I wouldn't be back, that I would die before I got to see the people I love again, I had never even though about what would happen once I saw them.  
 __  
I had no idea how many months had passed since I had gone back to Ivan, but somehow I had felt the need to just go out, to feel a little sun in my skin and see people again. I was now walking towards a small coffee shop that I had seen once; it was too far away from home so it should be safe to be there without seeing any of my siblings or Magnus.

_How wrong I was._

_I felt my whole body freeze when I laid my eyes on him. He was sitting with a lost look on his face; he looked sad but peaceful, like he had finally made peace with me abandoning him…until his eyes moved to see me. I fisted my hands burying my nails on my skin trying to stop myself from running towards him._

_It was too much._

_Using all of my will force I took one step back, then another, by the time I let myself think again, I was sprinting back to Ivan´s house reminding myself why I was doing this, it was all for them, it didn't matter how much it hurt for me.  
_  
"Since when…?" Magnus´ voice asked quietly. "Was any of this real or just more lies?"  
 __  
I was on the floor, my body shaking and barely awake. My head was pounding and everything ached. I wanted to crawl away from there, I wanted to cover myself and think that I still had some humanity inside of me, that I was not just a toy.

_"You know that I hate seeing you like this pet…but you have to understand whom you belong to." I closed my eyes hearing Ivan walk around. "Tell me, what are you?"_

_"A pet." I whispered._

_"Wrong!" he yelled grabbing a fistful of my hair and pressing my head to the floor. I grinded my teeth battling every instinct that told me to fight back, that told me that I could defeat him and run away…but then I would put everyone in danger and I couldn't live with that. "You are a whore! You are nothing!" I bit my lip so hard that my eyes watered letting him see me, letting him think that I was afraid of him._

_Lies, I could not fear what I hated the most.  
_  
I heard a light thud by the door. I pictured Magnus´ head against the wood, his body shagging like he was tired of this, tired of all my bullshit. I couldn't blame him if he was.

"When I first saw you I thought that you were just another dorky and adorable guy, but then I got to know you and I knew that there was something off about you…the way your eyes got dark and shadowed when a specific topic came to life. When I told you about my mother you didn't even look at me. The first time we were together you acted as if you were nervous but…" I shook my head wanting to tell him that yes, I had been nervous and terrified because it had been the first time that it had really mattered, that was one of the seldom times that I had been truthful. "You knew exactly what to do to me…like you were trained to please." I took a breath feeling like he had slapped me, he was right. "Now that I think about it…there were signs, but I could never…think…of you being…of you…" I walked until my back hit the wall and slide through it until I was sitting with my arms around my legs. "Please tell me that I´m wrong; please tell me that it wasn't all a lie."

Magnus PoV

Silence.

For once, no words were needed to confirm me what I had already known but refused to acknowledge for a long time.

Not only my husband had left me for a another, he had also kept a whole other life from me, a whole different side of him that showed me…I didn't even know what I had to see once I realized that Alec was..

That he was…

"Fuck." I couldn't even think it. I couldn't even relate that word with my husband, with that nervous and awkward guy that I had fallen in love with. It hurt too much.

How well did I really know him?

All the hints were there, but just after seeing that fucking word all over him had triggered something in my brain. In one second I had seen everything with different eyes, not only out time together then, but our time together a couple of days ago…he had been too different to think that it had been a show. Even seeing him now, his eyes showed an older person, his posture showed someone different.

I had no idea if this person was still my Alec.  
 __  
"What is that?" I yelled seeing that word all over his back, he simply shrugged.

_"How should I know?" He sighed before standing up and turning to look at me. "You can leave now."_

_"So you can stay here and smoke until you die? No thanks." Ne narrowed his eyes at me._

_"How do you know I´ve been smoking?"_

_"Because I know you, when we started dating you smoked a lot, and I told you that I hated the smell that thing left in you so you promised me that you would stop…of course I knew that you had your smoke every now and then, I could smell it on you. This room reeks of cigar so yeah; I know that once you feel bad about something you go back to it." I looked at his expression, there was so much going on behind his eyes that I couldn't name every emotion that I found inside his blue eyes. "So, where do you want to go? There´s an art expo in central park, do you want to go?" He grimaced passing his hand through his hair before walking around the room trying to find a shirt…just then I noticed how much of a mess the room was, that was odd but I didn't want to think much of it. Just when I thought that he would kick me out I heard a chirping sound coming from the night table, a text. When had he even gotten a new phone? He walked to take it not even letting me see the kind of phone it was, he read through the text prior closing his eyes and exhaling, like a weight had finally lifted from him._

_"Fine…" he sighed opening his eyes and looking at me. "Only because I need to get out of this fucking place."  
_  
A long noise took me out of my memories. I frowned walking to the window and seeing a couple of police cars at the door. Just as I was about to go and see what was going on, Alec darted from the door and out of his room.

"Alec?" I yelled going after him.  
 __  
We were walking through the park and I couldn't help a small smile to appear on my lips. He was looking at the art like a starved man, like his eyes couldn't get enough of them and his hands itched for touching the sculptures and making one of his own. He looked so much like the man I had married that had to restrain myself from hugging him and kissing him like I had wanted to ever since I found him on a hospital bed.

_"Alec! Is that you?" We both turned to see the owner of that voice; it was none other than Simon Lewis, Alec´s old roommate from college._

_"Hey Simon, nice seeing you again." He spoke with a small smile before letting the guy man-hug him. I felt his words as a slap in the face, if he knew who Simon was, what else did he remember?  
_  
I followed Alec until we were at the bottom of the stairs seeing Isabelle speaking to a suited guy and a cop at the entrance door.

"Can I help you?" She asked putting her hands on her waist not letting them through the door. She didn't particularly trust the police, once and orphan child, always an orphan child.

I frowned looking at Alec, he was pale and his breath choked. His hands moved up until they covered his face while he took a shaky breath before he turned to look at me. I felt my gut twist when I saw his eyes: they were clear, old and all too knowing of what was going on. He opened his mouth a couple of times seemingly unable of finding words just before I found my lips taken by his in a desperate kiss.  
 __  
"Nice? It´s great!" Someone called for him on the back. "Damn I got to go, nice seeing you! We should catch up soon!"

_"Yeah, so you can ogle my sister a little longer?" Simon turned red before giving him another smile and sprinting away. Alec took a deep breath before looking at me._

_"Yes."_

_"Yes, what?" I blinked dumbly._

_"Yes…I remember."  
_  
His lips were demanding, his hands gripped me strongly. Like they never wanted to let go, like he couldn't get enough of me. I was confused and scared, last time he had kissed me like this, he had gone off for a year to God knows where. He had left me, abandoned me and here was I, taking his kiss just as eagerly. I was pathetic and sick to give into him so easily, but I couldn't find it in me to stop.

"I´m sorry" he whispered against my lips, letting his wet cheek rest against mine. "Get the divorce papers; forget about me…that´s what´s best for you."  
 __  
I took a step backwards…what was going on in here? He let out a long sigh while he pushed his hands deep into his back hoodie, looking smaller than he had ever looked.

_"I know why I left, I know where I was and…whom I was with." His eyes looked away from me, but I could see them enough to notice the very real regret installed in them. "I cheated on you even before I went away…even when we first started dating I was also seeing someone else." I felt my heart sink, he was telling the truth. He fucking was speaking the truth and I had no idea what to do or how to act. I took a shaky breath shaking my head, like that would help me get a better hold of things. "That tattoo you saw? I really don't know where I got it from…I was too stoned at the moment to even know that someone was marking me."_

_Marking him? Why would anyone mark him as whore? It made no sense._

_Then, I remembered the news…a blue eyed prostitute. No, that couldn't be._

_"Take me to the mansion, please." He asked me in a small voice. "I-I could… I could tell you more, please." I nodded even if I felt my body like it worked in autopilot. We walked to the car only stopping when he beat me to the driver´s seat._

_"Can I drive?" I gave him the keys feeling like it was the best option, my mind was too tangled up to even think of driving safely._

_He took the front seat and looked around the car with the same expression he had wore that last night, like he wanted to remember everything that had going on, like it could be the last time he sat behind the wheel._  
  
"Good afternoon Miss…"

"Miss Lightwood, owner of the house, now, how can I help you officer?" I heard Isabelle ask and I felt Alec´s hold on me tighten before he let go of me taking a step towards the entrance door.

"Oh, Miss Lightwood, is there a chance we could talk to your brother Alexander Lightwood".

"Why would you…?"

"There!" Yelled one of the officers spotting me and Alec, right before they forced their way through the door and walked to Alec, he simply stood there while the officers grasped his arms twisting them to his back. "Alexander Lightwood, you are under arrest on the crime of murder against Ivan Romanoff, you have the right to remain silent…" the rest of the words were lost for me once my eyes found the ones of my husband.

They were resigned, like he had been expecting this.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know what you think…I know that the second you entered here you thought 'poor guy, he got his ass kicked in prison' and that you think that I'm covering for someone, but I'm not. I killed Ivan and I enjoyed every second of it."

CHAPTER 10

Luke PoV

I looked at my wife with a grimace on my lips. She had always managed to get me in the craziest situations but this was too much. I was just a teacher for God´s sake!

"He´s Jace´s brother." She sighed.

"Jace as in Clary´s Jace?" I raised my eyebrows seeing Jocelyn nod with a tight expression. "What do you want me to do? I'm just a teacher."

"No, you are a psychiatrist and you know how to read people. We need his side of the story..."

"Normally people that are charged of murder tend to tell their story right away, that's what makes their not-guilty thing work"

"Well that's the thing, he's saying that he's guilty and I don't believe shit, I think he's masking someone…come on, you've met him! He's so shy and awkward…"

"That could fit the profile. Always the quiet ones, remember?" I told her already knowing that I had lost that particular fight. I was not ready to let an innocent kid take the blame for someone else's crimes.

"Yes, but this is different, I know it." That got me thinking. Jocelyn Fairchild was one of the best agents in NYPD for her fearless attitude, her strength and her gut, if she felt something off about things, it was better to check them because normally she was right.

"Fine, let's go now before things get worse." She smiled and pulled me by my shirt to kiss me. Now that was a serious case of bribery but I was not about to complain.

The ride to the station was uneventful, which was okay, that way I could get myself into the right mindset. It had been a while since I was in the field; psychoanalyzing people tended to get complicated after a while, and now I was in it for a murderer…I really needed to find a way to say no to my wife.

We walked to the interrogation room and Jocelyn handed me his file, I didn't think I needed it, I wanted to find things by myself. I got inside and couldn't help to raise my eyebrows; now there was a big mistake cops did with kids like Alec. They took them off their houses and threw them in cells with real criminals, now the poor kid had a split lip and the beginnings of a black eye.

"Hello, my name is…"

"Luke, I remember you." He spoke in a tired voice while he looked at the wall completely avoiding my eyes. "I told them I didn't want a lawyer, I killed Ivan end of the story…"

"And what story is that exactly? I'm not a lawyer; they sent me here to hear your story because it's not always that you see the son of one of the most important men in the city meddling with the Russian mob." Alec snorted before turning to look at me.

"I know what you think…I know that the second you entered here you thought 'poor guy, he got his ass kicked in prison' and that you think that I'm covering for someone, but I'm not. I killed Ivan and I enjoyed every second of it." I blinked suddenly hit with the realization that his words were true and that I actually was speaking with a killer. The way his eyes had turned a freezing shade of blue, his whole body had lost its tension, like he was stating a fact. Something simple that couldn't change. I hated to think that that very action had raised my curiosity even more than the alleged innocence. "Do you see this back eye? I got it kicking some guy's ass because he thought that I was just a pretty boy that he could use to his pleasing…now the only person that can do that is my husband, even if I don't think he wants to after today." His voice lost his edge before he took a long breath. Passed his cuffed hands through his face before turning a different set of blue eyes to me, now they looked young a pleading; this guy was good at masking emotions. "How about we make a deal?"

"What kind of deal?"

"You are a shrink of something, you can read people. Well, I'm a business mayor and I can read them too. I know that you want to hear my story…" He swallowed. "And I want to tell it, I want my family to know it but I don't think that I could do it, I couldn't tell them in person…"

"You want me to tape you." He nodded. "Okay, but in order to do that I need more people in here, at least one officer and a lawyer."

"Fine."

Alec PoV

Cameras were intimidating.

I looked at the little red dot in front of me. It was time to talk, time to finally tell the truth before I got lost in the jailing system. I was terrified. I had demanded a deal and now that I had it, all that courage was suddenly exchanged for shame and fear. God, why did I have to open my fucking mouth? Let Luke think what he wanted and that was it! Now I had a judgmental red spot looking at me and three pairs of eyes expectantly waiting for my words.

"Would it be easier if I asked you a question so you can start?" Luke said and I mutely nodded. Yeah, perhaps that was a better way to focus on what I wanted to say. "When did you meet Ivan Romanoff?"

"Ten years ago." I fisted my hands.

"And how did a fifteen year old came to meet with a head of the Russian mafia?"

"When you came here you said that it was hard to think of the son of Robert Lightwood meeting those kinds of people…but what if I told you that by that time, I had no idea of who my father was and that I looking for a job as one of his hookers?" I grinned seeing the lawyer they had brought inside. She was young, probably even my age, and was now looking at me with a huge set of eyes. Poor girl.

"Did…you get the job?"

"Yeah…I became his pet from the day he fist laid eyes on me until the day that I killed him." I pressed my lips together. "At the beginning, he took care of me…or as much care as you need, to make an orphan kid fall in love with you…"

"How did you know where to look?" I looked up to the cop standing beside Luke, he was frowning like something didn't add up to him. "How does a fifteen year old know where to look for the mob?"

"My mother used to work for them. I was the eldest one so I was the only one that knew what she had to do to keep us alive. And I was the only one that knew that she got aids from one of those mother fuckers…she made me promise that I would never go where she had been. She was in the low levels, the ones only there for the amusement of the peons…gaining enough to live but no one cared for them." I glared at the red dot before I continued speaking. "When I got there, I had to stand a couple of months with them…it was hell. They did everything they wanted with us and we couldn't say a thing or try to fight them because we knew very well that if any of us died, nobody would care enough. I had my siblings to take care, so I had to brace myself and bear everything. Once, some men went looking for new meat and they thought that I was pretty enough to at least give me to somebody on a higher level…that was when I met Nivan."

"Nivan? Nivan Arshan?" The cop asked while he looked at some files.

"Yes, Ivan's right hand. He saw me, he knew that Ivan wanted someone to entertain himself and he brought me to him…of course for that favor he gained access to me whenever he wanted. He was the only one allowed to touch me besides Ivan. I lived like that for almost five years until…" I felt my gut twist at the thought of Magnus. "I met Magnus Bane."

"Your husband?"

"Yes…it might sound cheesy but…meeting him was what made me question what was going on in my life. Before that I was sure that Ivan was the love of my life and that I could never find anything better. It didn't matter how much he could drug me or beat me. He told me that I was his favorite pet and that he wanted me for him forever…finding a real person that liked me for who I really was, was what made me second guess everything. I tried to keep Magnus away from me, but Ivan knew it, he knew that I had met someone that made me want to crawl away from him. From that moment on he made it his personal mission to remind me whom did I belong to. To make me understand that I could never be more than his pet. He hit me on a daily basis…I was tired and afraid, I was sure that he would end up killing me. That was when I went to Nivan." I took a breath. "He wanted to kill Ivan, he was getting out of control…and I wanted out. We made a deal that got me away from him for the next four years."

"What was the deal?" I looked at the cop straight in the eye.

"Kill Ivan."

Magnus PoV

"Kill Ivan." Alec's voice said like it was not a big deal. I closed my eyes willing myself to stay there and keep listening to the guy that I had married but that I had no idea of who he really was. He looked so different from the man that I was used to, he looked older and cold. "If I killed him he would let me go, and I accepted. The thing is that it did not work. I was scared and I couldn't do it so I let him live, barely, but alive at the end…a mistake that couldn't make the second time. But I got myself some years of freedom so it was worth it."

"Oh my God!" moaned Isabelle next to me.

When Clary's mother had asked us to go inside that room, I had never imagined that I would be getting inside a room where I could see and hear Alexander tell us everything. He had said that he wanted to do that because he was not sure that he could tell us his story in person…no wonder why he couldn't. I was not sure that I could see him face to face right now. I was so conflicted and scared of the person that I had married that I had no idea if I wanted to hear the end of his story or run away.

He was a killer.

"What I did when I was free is of no importance…I lived and I was happy for the first time in my life…"

"Even if you had to almost kill a man to do it?"

"I'm not saying that it was easy…I still had nightmares and monsters that haunted me at night. But with everything that I had to endure before, those four years were like heaven…until Ivan found me." I looked at the one sided window in front of me, I saw him pulling his legs up and hugging them, looking a lot smaller than he was. "He didn't even try anything at first, just appearing everywhere I went, never saying a word or doing anything other than to look at me. Then, once when I was alone they got me into a van and there he was…he told me that I had been a bad pet, that I had fooled around behind his back and that he didn't like it." He grimaced. "He didn't know that I had been involved in trying to kill him, he just wanted his pet back to teach it some manners." He shrugged. "That day he…h-he forced me for the first time…" I heard a choked sound only to realize that it was my own mouth that had made it. I remembered that. I remembered him telling me that he had been sick and not letting me touch him for a week, and the first time that we had tried it again he had been twitchy and weird.

"Love…why couldn't you tell me?" I whispered to myself passing my hands through my face while he continued speaking.

"Before, it had been hard but I had never fought back, never having a reason to do it…now I had a life and a family…but he still overpowered me and told me that if I pull a stunt like that again he would kill the fag that I called my husband." That made me look at him again: he was shaking, and his eyes had been glued to the table for the most part of his story. "He gave me a day to say goodbye before I went back to him for good…the first day he had his way with me but I had lost my post as his favorite so after that, everybody had access to me…" He grinned predatorily making me blink. That was a smile I had never seen on him. I turned around, this was complete torture. "That if they could get close enough. Ivan hated when I fought him, but he loved watching me pummel some other idiot. He loved thinking about me only submitting to him, he liked to feel like he had power over me." His eyes were dark expressing all the hate he felt for that man. "Anyway, I don't remember much about it. I was either drugged or drunk most of the time; I was convinced that I would die in that l-life…" Like a boomerang, my eyes went back for him seeing the trace of a couple of tears in his eyes. "I had no hope. I didn't even let myself think of my family because it hurt too much…it was just a year but it felt like a lifetime." I fisted my hands trying to crush the urge I had of going to comfort him, hug him and tell him that everything was going to be okay, that he was with us again and nothing could take him from me anymore.

The thing was, that those words felt a lot like lies to me.

"How did you plan Ivan's murder?"

"Planned? I didn't plan a thing…he took me to a hotel because…because he told me that he wanted to fuck me in a pretty place before he 'put me to rest'…" He shook his head "Argh!" he hit the table his both of his fists making everyone in the room jump. "He wanted to end me like the fucking pet I was! Of fucking course the bastard tells me this as he's shoving his dick inside of me!" He started laughing while his eyes turned to the sky. "It's kind of funny when I think about it, he was going to kill me while he was fucking me…I remember the cold feeling I got just when he put his knife in the back of my neck…when I felt the tip slice through my skin all I could think about was my husband…all I knew was that I wanted to see him again, at least once." He covered his face with his hands. "I don't remember much, all I know is that my side started burning and after much struggling I was on top of him with the knife on his throat…he looked at me and started laughing noticing that I was terrified, he pushed me aside and stood up. That was when I knew that it was my only chance. I pushed the knife in the exact place where I knew his heart would be…I twisted it seeing his pained expression and loving it. After everything he did to me, everything he took from me I was the one that got to end his life." He covered his mouth with a shaky hand. "I ran away and here we are."  
Everybody was silent until I heard movement at my side. I could only see Isabelle's long hair disappear from the room and get into the one Alec was before throwing herself at his brother's arms. Alexander caught her with a scared expression on his ashen face.

"I-Izzy?" He talked in a throaty voice as his eyes traveled to the window and stopped right in the center of it. Exactly the place where Jace and I were standing. "I-I…" He looked terrified of knowing that we were there listening to everything he had said.

"Miss…!" The cop tried to pull her away from Alec but she yelled and only held on tighter.

"She's his sister…you can't expect them not to do this after hearing his story." Luke intervened. The cop sighed and took a step backwards.

Alec PoV

I wanted to puke…things were not supposed to be like this! They were supposed to know later, when I was as far away from them as possible, somewhere where I couldn't hurt them, specially Magnus.

"Did you hear all of that?" I asked her in a low voice hoping that she would be the only one to hear me.

"Of course we did you fucking idiot!" She cried into my shoulder not moving from her spot. My cuffed hands were trapped between us and it was uncomfortable but I doubted that the cop wanted to set a murderer free. "The three of us did." I felt my gut twist as I let my eyes wander to the big window at my right. I was no fool, I knew that there were always people behind it, but I had never imagined that they had let my family to stay in there.

"Then, why are you hugging me? I killed a man Izzy, I don't deserve you being here." At this she punched me in the arm and held me even tighter.

"You are a complete idiot if you think that we are going to abandon you again to suffer for that fucking bastard! Alec why didn't you tell us anything? Why didn't you call the police?"

"He told me that he was going to kill you if anybody found out…I couldn't risk it." She began shaking her head making me sigh. That was when Jace walked inside the room and put his hand on my shoulder when he reached us.

"I want to hit you right now, so damn much, but it looks like somebody already did it."

"Where's Magnus?" I asked in a small voice feeling like I already knew the answer to that question.

"He left" said Jace avoiding my eyes.

I inhaled sharply. I had asked him to forget about me and if he was doing just that, it was fine; it was the best for him. But that didn't mean that my heart hurt any less as it broke one more time. I let my head drop into my sister's neck as I felt all the tears I had never shed, roll down my eyes while I felt the last hope I had of a normal life disappear for good.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I twisted my bag between my hands. They were mad; they were looking at me accusingly and hurt. I couldn't blame them; after all, I wanted to abandon them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialog in italics mean that they are talking in Spanish.
> 
> Text in italics (whole paragraphs) are memories, like usual.

CHAPTER 12

Alec PoV

Coffee.

It had been an important part of my life for as long as I could remember. It had been what made my mother smile even when she was too weak to do it properly; it had been part of my first real job.

It had made Magnus notice me.

Now, now I couldn't even look at a cup of it…well, not unless I was alone and able to cry like a child while I drank it. Like right now.

I took the steaming cup between my hands, feeling its heat warm my fingertips while my insides began to feel cold. I felt the familiar lump in my throat begin to form as my eyes watered just from the mere memory of what coffee had brought into my life.

"Shit" I whispered letting go of the cup and cleaning the tears that had made their way out. It was becoming harder each day, so fucking much. At the beginning I only felt bad, only felt a hole in my chest every time I drank some, but it had gone worse with time, to the point where I felt nauseous just by looking at it. I still loved the smell, the flavor, but it was too painful. It was too much.

" _Alex? Are you there?_ " I heard Lola ask from the other side of the door.

" _Yes, I'll be out in a minute!_ " I told her standing up and going to change my clothes trying not to look at the abandoned cup. After I was done I walked outside finding the small woman that had welcomed me in her home and treated me life family for the good part of the last six months. " _Sorry, the bed didn't want me to get up._ " I lied giving her a sheepish smile.

" _I know it was the coffee mijo, I can smell it from here._ " She gave me a maternal look before patting my cheek and starting to walk down the stairs. " _Come on Mr. Alex, your students are waiting for you!_ " I grinned at the name, she loved to make fun of how the kids called me because, for her, I was still a kid myself and being called 'Mr.' was weird. And of course being in Mexico meant that no one liked to call me Alec, because Alex was the short for Alexander…I kind of like it, it was something else to make me feel better about things, like it was a new beginning.  
 _  
I looked at my hands. They were shaking. They hadn't stopped shaking in a long time…I knew that I was not sick, the health studies had shown that other than the beating I had, I was perfectly healthy. It could be that the shaking was all the turmoil of emotions that revolved inside of me, eager to go out the second I let my guard down._

_The trial was in less than ten minutes._

_My lawyer was confident. She said that with my story I could easily pledge to a self-defense murder. After all, he had been about to kill me more than once. The jury had already seen my testimony, they had seen that God awful video that had made everything go crazy…the same that my siblings had seen, the same that had…_

_That had…_

_A wrecked sob escaped my mouth when I thought about Magnus. I had not seen him ever since the police had found me at the mansion and that was tearing my insides apart. I had been right, he didn't want a whore to be with him; he had had enough of me and had finally decided to ditch me. I took a deep breath trying to calm down before I stood up and looked through the window. Even if everybody thought that this trial was already won, I couldn't help to think that with my luck, things could fuck up at the last minute and I could end up in jail for the rest of my life._

_Or we could win the trial and then…and then what? I had no idea of what to do, I just knew that I couldn't stay in New York, not while Magnus lived there and didn't want me in his life. I couldn't do that again._

_"It's time." One of the guards said before opening the door and letting me through the wooden doors.  
_  
I grinned at the ladies at the local church. Some of them waved back while the others pushed their daughters towards me…if only they knew that I was not interested at all. I chuckled to myself as I kept peddling my bike to the town's school, I could bet that Izzy and Jace would get a laugh when I told them about that, it was so awkward when girls would come up to me, I always felt self-conscious and bad for not giving back their attentions.

" _Mr. Alex!_ " Yelled Maria before running to meet me at the entrance of the school.

" _Hey there! How are you?_ " I asked her as I got down the bike and pushed it the rest of the way. " _Did you do your homework?_ "

" _Yes! I found out that my grandparents were from Spain!_ "

" _That's amazing!_ " I chuckled. I had asked them to draw their family tree and investigate a little of their family history.

" _Where does your family come from?_ " I turned seeing more of the kids making their way towards us with their eyes filled with innocent curiosity.

" _England._ " I told them before pointing to the classroom. " _Come on, time to class!_ "  
 __  
I twisted my bag between my hands. They were mad; they were looking at me accusingly and hurt. I couldn't blame them; after all, I wanted to abandon them again.

_"No! We just got you back! And now you want to leave again! Why?" Isabelle demanded to know while she glared at me with misty eyes. "After this whole month of trials and not knowing what would happen to you, you are finally free and now you want to leave us!"_

_"That's exactly why." I spoke in a soft voice before taking a breath and looking at both of them. "I'm free…I might not be happy but I feel calm…or at least some part of me does. I want to see the world, I want to go wherever I want because now I'm not afraid that some ghost from the past will come for me…I need this Izzy and I know it breaks your heart and it's not fair, but for once I want to be selfish and do things for me." I failed to say that I was running away from the hurt and all the bittersweet memories it had._

_"Go." Was the only thing Jace said before going to hug me. "You deserve it, you go and find whatever you need to find and then come back to us. But I'm warning you, I want an e-mail, text, letter, ANYTHING each week at least! And if you don't I will hunt you down and kick you in the balls, okay?" I smiled at him and nodded.  
_  
For the last months I had kept my promise.

I has sent them photos of the grand canyon and the rocky mountains. I had told them about how I felt crossing to Mexico, of going to another country for the first time in my life. I described them the huge Mayan pyramids and and sent them drawings of the colonial buildings I visited, and the people I met.

Not once I asked about Magnus and they never brought him up.

After months of wandering around the country I ended up in a small colonial town and started giving classes. Art and english. How had that happened? Well it was still a little confusing, I just knew that I has started helping the housekeeper's son and before I knew it I had 20 kids around asking for my help.

I couldn't love it more.

All the energy and innocence they brought into my life was what kept me going, what gave me some sort of peace after everything that had happened in my life; because for them I was just Mr. Alex, a backpacker that made pretty drawings. And that was all that they needed to know.

"So, what did you do on the weekend? Remember, you have to use english!" I asked the kids once they were all in their seats. The local church had been kind enough to give us a small classroom every afternoon, it wasn't much but I had taken the time to draw a landscape in the walls and, with the help of the kids and their parents, it had become the second most perfect place in the world.

I couldn't even think of the most perfect place without breaking in tears.

"I went to the city!"

"I played football!"

"I went to the movies!"

"I met a...a...Harry Potter!" I chuckled hearing Rodrigo speak, he was the youngest of them all and it was a tornado trapped in a six year old body.

"You meet Harry Potter?" I raised my eyebrow.

"No...I meet someone like him a..."He furrowed his brows thinking hard trying to find that elusive word.

"Magician...wizard...warlock...?"

"Yes! He said he was a war-lock! He had cat eyes, and he shined and he was wearing a lot of colors! He's staying at the hotel and I talked to him! He was trying to get a room and I helped my mom translate because he didn't know spanish! He made a coin appear from my ear!" That earned him a collective wow while I watched him fondly, he had been my first student and now knew the language as good as he knew spanish, he must've really helped that guy out.

"Okay! who else?" A bunch of hands shot up.

Magnus PoV

I was lost.

Damn, how hard could it be to find a fucking church! They were supposed to be pointy and big and...right in front of me. Well done Bane.

"Hello...do you speako english?" I asked a man that was walking outside the temple.

"A little." He smiled and I let out a breath; yesterday had been hell. I didn't know a peep of spanish and those people couldn't undertand english, I had been about to give up when I was saved by a six year old! The brat knew the language well enough to have me finally settled in the hotel and had been kind enough to giveme the directions of his english school. If his teacher could help me I was sure that I could find Alec a lot sooner. "How can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Mr. Alex,the english teacher."

"Oh, he's in class right now. Come on. I'm father Enrique by the way, nice to meet you." He gave me his hand.

"Nice to meet you too, I'm Magnus Bane."

"That is a strange name." The man said.

"I rather think of it as unique." I smiled as I began to follow the man behind the church.

"Our church is our comunity center, we built some rooms for meetings and comunity bonding. Alex helped us decorate them, he really is a good kid, he teaches english to the kids and charges practically nothing. He also gives art clases every saturday. I really hope we had more young man like him." My frown deepened every time he said a word...I was terribly suspicious of whom this Alex really was."Ah, there he is."

I turned to look inside the classroom and felt my breath hitch...yes, there he was.  
 __  
I looked at chairman raising an eyebrow. He simply kept ignoring me while he licked his paws. Damn cat. I glared at it from my spot in my couch until I heard my doorbell ring.

_"Coming!" I yelled before standing up not caring that it was four o'clock and I was still in my pajamas. I opened the door and froze finding a very furious looking Isabelle._

_This was not good._

_"What happened?"Was the first thing that came out of my mouth. She blinked taken back._

_"Nothing...I came to tell you that you're a complete fucking idiot! Stupid asshole!" Her eyes began to tear and I had to look away._

_"Izzy..."_

_"Don't speak tome!" She pushed me. "You are not allowed to talk to any of us! How could you abandon him like that? It's been eight fucking months! He went to hell for us and you left him! And you know what has he said about you? Nothing! Because he swears that it's mad for someone like you to love someone like him! He has forbbiden us to say a peep to you because he wants to respect your choice! I just came to bring you this!" She thew an envelope at me before stomping away. I took the envelope with shaky hands and opened it only needing to read some words to know what it said._

_Divorce._

_"Isabelle!" I yelled running after her knowing that I couldn't let that happen.  
_  
His hair was longer, his skin had a nice tan and he looked like he had gained a few pounds. He was laughing and joking with the kids. He looked happy. I was tempted to turn around and leave, letting him start a whole new life, forget the hell he went through.

But then, his eyes found mine.  
 __  
I looked at the Lightwood siblings trying not to show how desperate I was...or maybe I should and see if that helped.

_"Please...I need to find him."_

_"And why now and not six months ago? Why fucking wait this long?" Jace told me. "I saw him cry when I told him that you left, I was with him through the whole trial process and each day I saw how much he missed you! The day they set him free I saw him try to mask his sadness because he couldn'tcelebrate with you! He fucking ran away the very next day because it was hell to be in the same city as you! So give me a very good reason to tell you how to reach him because I wont let you hurt him anymore."_

_"I can't...I can only tell you that I love him and that I'm prepared to beg for his forgiveness."_  
  
He froze.

He spoke something in Spanish –when the hell had he even learned the language?- before all the kids started moving around and cleaning their things. When they left and we were the only ones left I stepped inside the room. It was gorgeous, all the walls had different paintings of the town and even if the father hadn't told me that Alec had done it, I would've known that it was his art. His stile was printed in every single line.

"H-how did you find me?" I closed my eyes. He sounded so vulnerable and small, like he had been the one that had screwed up…and maybe he had but not as much as me.

"Jace and Izzy." I turned to look at him and felt like someone had punched me in the gut. He was standing against the wall with his arms around himself, like he was trying to hold himself against the inevitable punch that was coming his way, all of this while his eyes stayed frozen in the ground.

"Was something wrong with...with the...the papers?"His voice had lowered gradually, like it was so hard to speak that his voice refused to come out and say it.

"Yes..." He flinched...he fucking flinched! "They existed, that was the only wrong thing about them."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it's been awhile  
> Since I could hold my head up high  
> And it's been awhile  
> Since I first saw you  
> And it's been awhile  
> Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
> And it's been awhile  
> Since I could call you
> 
> And everything I can't remember  
> As fucked up as it all may seem  
> The consequences that I've rendered  
> I've stretched myself beyond my means  
> \--It's been a while, Staind.

Alec PoV

I was laughing with the kids, feeling lighter than I had felt in a long time. Maybe things could get better, more bearable. I looked at each one of their faces committing them to memory, knowing that those kids would leave their mark; I continued passing my gaze through the room until my eyes stopped at the door.

And I felt my whole world still.

I froze unable to believe my eyes…there he was. Magnus. In all his colorful glory watching me with those yellow-green eyes that plagued every single one of my dreams. Feeling my whole body tremble I turned to the kids knowing that I had to dismiss them before I could even think of speaking to Magnus.

"Kids I'm sorry but something came up, tomorrow we'll continue with class. See you!" I watched them glad that no one had questioned the change of plans and tried to brace myself for what was about to come.

I saw him enter the classroom and felt my knees go weak…he was so beautiful that it hurt me to be in the same room as him. I pressed my lips together before walking to rest my back in the wall not being sure if I had the strength to hold myself composed for the conversation that we were about to have. I swallowed and fisted my hands before opening my mouth "H-how did you find me?" I glued my eyes to my feet unable to stomach the idea of looking at him and not breaking to pieces.

"Jace and Izzy." I put my arms around myself, the only reason that I could think of them giving him my whereabouts was if something was off with the divorce papers.

"Was something wrong with…with the…" I clenched my hands in my arms willing my voice to come out. "The papers?"

"Yes." I couldn't help but flinch when I heard that lonely word…I needed him to leave as soon as possible, I… "They existed, that was the only thing wrong with them."

No. no. no. NO!

"…No." I shook my head not wanting to even try to process the meaning of his words…I had crushed that small flame of hope a long time ago.

"Alexander…" His voice sounded closer and I felt the urge to run away, to leave back that stupid flicker of hope that threatened to drown me. He couldn't mean what my ears were eager to hear. "Is there a place inside of you that could forgive me?"

"What!?" Forgetting everything I turned to look at him. "Why should I forgive you?" Yeah well, that could have come out way better but my brain was malfunctioning because I had clearly heard him trying to apologize. And the most confusing part was seeing him flinch at my words…well done Alec, he comes to see you and you snap at him. No wonder he left you eight months ago.

"I guess I deserve that…" he sighed passing his hand through his face and just when I let myself truly look at him. I observed his hollowed cheeks, the circles under his eyes and the fact that was wearing his hair down and with minimum product. Something was not right. "I know that it's hard after what I did to you…" I frowned…what in the world was he even talking about? "I hope that…well if you want to… that we might be able to fix things if you give me another chance." Something was not right in this picture, he was not supposed to tell me those things and he was not supposed to look for my forgiveness.

"Magnus…" I spoke hearing my voice like a pained whisper. I sounded my throat before trying again. "What are you talking about?" He blinked before letting his eyes search for mine. I fisted my hands bracing myself for the tremors that hit my body the second our gazes met, but I steadied myself and let him look at me and know how confused I was.

"I left you." He told me like those three words could explain everything.

"Yeah, you did." I nodded casually, like his words didn't felt like a stab in my already wounded heart. "So?" He let out a small sound, almost like a whine or sob…but that wasn't right, he couldn't be sad now, he had finally gotten rid of me and my problems, he should be happy at last.

"You honestly think that leaving you is my best option, don't you?" He asked while he passed his hand through his hair.

"Yes." I felt compelled to answer even if I had the feeling that it was a rhetorical question. He snorted and before I could even process what he was doing, his hand grabbed me from the back of my neck and pulled me to a kiss.

When Ivan had made it clear that if I didn't leave Magnus, he would kill him, I had begged him for one more day, one more day to kiss him and have him make love to me. A day to say goodbye. I knew that having that day would probably destroy Magnus. He was too clever to not notice my goodbye in every word and gesture, but I still did it. I was selfish enough to not care…and now, somehow, the cynical part of me was remembering that day with this kiss.

This kiss that felt like a kick in the gut.

This kiss that felt like Magnus telling me that this was his last sacrifice and that I had to fuck off, to leave him alone.

This kiss that screamed of his good bye.

My hands were already grasping his clothes, pulling him to me and savoring his lips knowing that it was probably the last time I could taste them. My breath hitched as I felt my eyes burn, eager to let out my pain but I willed the tears to back down; I tried to fool my mind into thinking that this was a kiss with a different meaning…I fooled myself imagining his hands grasping me a desperation that could only be measured against my own. I let my mind come up with the lie of his body trembling while his tongue danced with mine.

But it all became too much.

"No." I whispered pushing him away knowing that my closed eyes were wet and my body broken…I didn't know if I could patch myself after this one.

"Why do you look like kissing me made you ill?" I let out a pitiful whine as I felt his hand caressing my cheek with such care that the small flame of hope tried to feed of that moment to grow.

I didn't lose time crushing it back down. It could only be pity what he felt for me.

"Because…" I swallowed trying to ease the bump in my throat. "Because I have no idea of why would you even want to kiss something like me..."

"Something…? Shit." I felt his forehead rest on my shoulder as his hands grasped my hips. "Can we go somewhere else to talk? Somewhere where some priest might not stumble upon us preferably…"

I bit my lip. I knew that we couldn't go somewhere public, our issues were too big and personal to speak of them where other people might hear…besides, I had no idea of how people would react to homosexuality, it was a small traditional town so maybe it wasn't the best idea to let them see us.

But I was terrified of letting him inside my room.

"I have a room at the hotel…we could go there, if you are uncomfortable letting me into your room." God I hated so much when he did that, he could get inside my head so easily that it astonished me how long I had been able to lie to him.

"Y-yeah…ok" he took a step backwards letting me breathe a little easier. I passed my hand through my face and sighed before going to my desk and gathering my things.

"Somehow it doesn't surprise me…you teaching. You were always kind and patient…"

"Don't…I know what I am, I don't need you getting out of your way to make me feel better." I found myself saying before I put my bag on my shoulder and walked outside.

"I mean it." I shook my head deciding to leave my bike behind, the hotel was just a couple of blocks away. I heard him let out a long sigh followed by his footsteps behind me. "So…why Mexico and not Europe or Asia?" I toyed with the idea of giving him a bullshit answer just like the one I had given my siblings but I found it too hard to lie to him again.

"When I was…in the low levels, I met a girl, Eva."

And it's been awhile  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
And it's been awhile  
Since I can say I love myself as well  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do  
And it's been awhile  
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?  
Just make this go away  
Just one more peaceful day!

Magnus PoV

I felt my breath hitch, he was actually telling me about his past. I took a breath to steady myself before his story got serious, because something told me that this was not going to be a normal 'I met a friend' story.

"We were fifteen when we met…I was new and she had been there…for over five years."

"Oh God." I covered my mouth with my hand hating the people that could even think of doing that to kids of all the people.

"We became friends…she helped me when I had my first client. She gave me tips to avoid getting hurt. In exchange I taught her the language and everything that I could…she's the one that taught me Spanish, she told me about her dream of coming back to Mexico, of seeing the place that her grandmother used to tell her before she was kidnapped and brought into that hell." There was no need to be a genius to know what had happened to that child.

"They killed her, didn't they?"

"Yes…she got pregnant and the father got so mad that beat her to death." His eyes were a cloudy grey. Expressionless and secured. Not the eyes that I was used to, but now I knew that he was still the man that I loved only, with a lot more layers than I first had thought.

"I'm sorry…for her, for you…kids shouldn't go through things like that." He grimaced but kept his comments to himself.

We walked in silence for a little longer before I saw a little kid running towards us, I could identify him as the kid that had helped me last night but it was a surprise to see him go straight to Alec's arms and speak to him a mile a minute. Alec gave him a small smile and spoke softly to him before letting him run back into the hotel. He followed the kid inside before turning towards me –not looking anywhere near my face- and asked me to lead the way.

Once we were inside the room I didn't lose time pushing him to the wall and cupping his face forcing him to look at me. His eyes were steely and so closely guarded that had to take another breath to not snap at him for thinking so wrong about our circumstances.

"Why do you think that I'm in here?" I asked him slowly.

"I don't know…" He started lowering his gaze. "Pity…maybe?"

"You know me Alexander, you have known me for several years now; do you honestly think that I would come to another fucking country just out of pity?" He pressed his lips together and I didn't need to be in his head to see the battle taking place inside of him. There was a part of him that wanted to believe in me, a part that he kept pushing away in fear of getting hurt again.

It killed me to see him like this.

"Then…why?" He whispered finally letting his cerulean eyes look at me.

"Because I love you." I told him, keeping it simple and blunt. "Alec, I love you more than anything…I married you for a reason and for life…"

"No…you married a lie, that's not me."

"I married a kind and loving man…that would go into extremes to protect what is his, no matter the personal cost. I married a blunt idiot that always spoke his mind, because he was so used to lying that when he got the chance he always told the plain and simple truth." I swallowed seeing his eyes beginning to moist and his body sag against the wall, only having me and the concrete to keep him on his feet. "I married a man that loves kids, that it's patient with them. A guy that hates my taste in music and clothes but still has me around because he secretly loves it…I love the man that's standing in front of me and I'm sorry, so fucking sorry for taking eight months and a fucking divorce card to realize that." I let my forehead touch his. "I realized that even if I didn't know all the layers of you, I knew your core, your heart…and that's enough for me, for us, to work it out. To make us be together like we should've been from the start."

"You…shit, Magnus don't…I can't…" He sobbed before grasping me and pulling me to his chest hugging me with such strength that I could feel the tremors hitting his body, while his heartbeat skyrocketed. "Please tell me that this is for real, that I'm not having a cruel dream…"

"Well if having me here with you is cruelty, then I'm not sure…" And there it was, wrecked and barely alive, but a laugh at the end. A small sound that would be engraved in my soul for the rest of eternity because it meant that he was finally giving in, finally accepting that maybe we could be together again, and for good this time.

We stood like that for what it felt like hours. Soaking in the other's presence and being contempt with a simple embrace.

Until the last twenty fucking months of abstinence began to take tool.

It hadn't been much, really. Just a small shift in his hips that managed to touch in all the right places and my stupid brain that couldn't process it until I heard myself moan…fuck. The last thing I wanted was to have sex with him –not because I didn't want it, because duh he was a fucking Adonis, and now he looked like a tanned sexier one- because of everything. He had been prostituted for a good part of his life and he probably didn't want anything to do with sex, and yet, there I was, horny and fucking things up again.

Well done Bane.

"Fuck! I'm sorry!" I jumped away from him knowing that a cold shower was in order.

"Magnus…"

"I-I understand if you want me to leave or…or…"

"Magnus."

"Yeah?" I looked at him and was shocked to see him…smiling. He let out a breath before shifting his features into a thoughtful expression.

"When I was locked in the bathroom…you told me that you remembered the first time that we had been together. That you had felt like I had been trained even if I looked like a nervous wreck." I nodded. "You asked me if any of it had been real…well it was. It was the only time that had mattered to me. When I was with Ivan…" I flinched because, well fuck that bastard. "I could only do what he told me to do, I couldn't touch if he didn't order me to, I couldn't speak, or make a sound other than the ones that he told me to…that was the only way that I knew. That was the only way that I could have sex. When I was with Nivan, I only let him fuck me and leave…I-I hated myself every day for being so numb to all of it. Some time it was hard to even…to…" He turned a nice shade of pink and I felt my heart swell just by thinking of how much I had missed his blush. "Getitup…"

Well damn.

"You said that you did drugs…was any of them for…that?"

"Yeah…ecstasy mostly. I knew that if Ivan didn't find me ready for him, it wouldn't be pretty." He passed his hand through his hair messing it up –and not doing anything for my treacherous libido- before taking a step towards me. "That was until I met you." His blush deepened but he kept the straight and brave face on. "You and your fucking cat eyes that made me every ounce of the horny teenager that I should've been. Your hair, my hands that itched to pull it and hear what would come out of your mouth…and yeah, your mouth that said so much but I never listened because I could only stare at it."

Oh God…this was so nor fair.

"When we first kissed…It felt…wow I could never describe it…so imagine what it was like to finally be with you and make love for the first time in my life…even when we were angry and too horny to hardly do much else than fuck, I could feel your love in every breath. I know what sex is and we never had it…so I don't want to you to think that I'm breakable because you want to fuck me…I'll probably be as eager as you."

"I guess you are not the prude you seemed to be when we just met." And there was my mouth again, running without my brain's permission. Thankfully he gave me a small smile.

"No…I kind of am, in some sort of twisted way…I heard it all, but most of the times when you said an innuendo it felt different, it short-circuited my brain and I had no idea of how to react." He took my hand and let out a small curse when he saw my ring safe between my fingers. "When my father's lawyers found us. I went to my mother's grave and remembered what she told me about life. She explained that life it's a whole plan created by God. She wasn't overly religious but she believed in him. She used to say that if life fucked you up, you had to take it, because it was your test, either because you deserved it or because you would have to pass it in order to get something better. At the same time, life could give you a golden coin every now and then, and whatever it was, you had to take it and believe that it was yours to have…just say thanks, you had earned it." It was his turn to cup my face before letting his lips ghost through mine. "You are my golden coin, and if you are sure that you want this…I won't stop you. I will embrace you and never let you go."

"Good to know that we're on the same page."

And it's been awhile  
Since I could look at myself straight  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face  
And it's been awhile  
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me  
I cannot blame this on my father  
He did the best he could for me

Alec PoV

We kissed.

Starting slow and languidly, just enough to remember each other's breath, each essence and flavor. His hands were resting on my hips and my breath hitched when I felt his thumbs caress my skin just above my pants. I moaned pulling him closer, hoping that he could understand that I needed this as much as him…it had been too long and my body was eager to have him. My hands became bold and looked for the hem of his shirt to begin pushing it up, caressing every bit of his skin in the process, passing my thumbs through his nipples earning a small hitch on his breath that put my senses in overdrive.

I needed more of him, everything of him.

I had missed him too much.

I pushed him to the wall and dived to his neck and took a deep breath. Relinquishing his smell and promising myself that I would never give him up again. Ivan was dead, nothing could harm us now. I kissed his skin once, twice, as many times as it took to have him gasping my name while our hips danced against each other. This was something I had never felt with anyone other than him. This need to give and take, the need to mark him as mine and have him do the same to me…not an ownership of a master, but an agreement of partnership, we belonged with each other but we were still our own person.

Finally he started to respond. I could almost hear the click inside his head, he understood that this was what we both wanted. He made a low growl before pushing his legs around my waist and pushing me closer to him not stopping the movements of his hips making me see stars.

"Magnus." I gasped putting one of my hands on his ass while the other steadied us in the wall, completely forgetting his shirt that was all the way to his armpits but none of us seemed to care much of it now. His mouth was on my jaw but soon enough I reached for it claiming his lips once again…not noticing his wondering hands until one of them cupped me through my pants.

"C-Can I?" was his breathless question. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to ask but I was too eager to go through that just now, so I simply nodded and lowered my eyes seeing his long fingers undo my pants and then go inside my boxers and grasp my dick. I let out a strangled sort of sound that would've been embarrassing if I wasn't too drugged up in endorphins to not care and just pushed my hips to him.

"You…too…" He was already nodding before standing up on his own and letting my eager hands open his pants…and sweet lord he was commando.

"Touch me…please." He whispered before I took him in my hand and began moving it, just enough to tease but nowhere near what he needed to finish. "Are you fucking kidding me?" He glared at me prior pushing my hand away, taking me by the shoulders and putting me against the wall just as his hands took both of our cocks and started pumping, all while his mouth took over mine in a way that I could barely think.

It was safe to say that it didn't take much for both of us to cum.

"God I love you." I told him resting my forehead against his and looking at his eyes. There was no way I could lose him again, if he was idiotic enough to have me back, I wouldn't fight it, I needed him as much as I needed the air I breathed so, for now, I could only hope that this golden coin was enough to last a lifetime, that my tests were over and that I finally could live in peace and happy.

And having a cup of coffee without weeping like a child wouldn't hut either.

"Ditto." I snorted and shook my head and began pushing him back and guided him to the bed while he finally took away his shirt before going for mine.

"Flaws and everything?"

"Flaws and everything."

"Weird kinks and all?"

"Weird…what?" I felt more color go to my cheeks.

"I might have developed a thing or two for bondage…nothing too drastic but…"

"Oh God yes!"

And that was that.

THE END

And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry


End file.
